Holy Jeez! Fourth of July! This year is zipping by, right?
Listen – every food blog has some bullhonk cake or pie or some junk with strawberries and blueberries in a fucking flag shape for July 4. Here at 468 Walhalla, consider that script FLIPPED, y’all! I’m going 18th century on your asses with a full-on Benjamin Franklin LOVE FEST!
First – here are my electricity discovery cookies. Benny Franks was like obsessed with lightning. He invented lightning rods in 1749. He was sick/tired of seeing houses go up in flames due to lightning storms, so he was like “F this S. I’m putting this metal jazz on the roof and then conduct that shit right to the dang ground!” PROBLEM SOLVED! Then like in the 1750’s he flew a kite in a storm and I guess that’s how electricity happened. ZAP!
These cookies are my straight-down-the-middle cut-outs. No fanciness today. And, wouldn’t B-Franks want it that way???? He was all about simple times and what-not….
Now then. Are you ready for a treat? I’ve written a few select scenes of a movie screenplay and I’d like to share that mess with you today. The movie is called Benjamin Franklin Gets Syphilis. This is just a rough draft, but I feel I’ve really captured what colonial times must’ve been like.
Act 2, Scene 3.
Scene: Philadelphia. October 1786. A doctor’s office with an examination table and a hat rack for wigs (wig rack?). Benjamin Franklin sits on the table in a dressing gown.
- ENTER DR. ARCHIBALD VAN LIPPES (very cool older doctor with a German accent, because he’s from some West Prussian territories)
Benjamin Franklin (played by Jude Law): Dr. Lippes! How is the day meeting you and greeting you?
Dr. Van Lippes (Michael Caine): Well met, Herr Franklin! Verily! But I fear I have some troublesome news.
Benjamin Franklin: Pray tell, good man, and with great haste! I have things happening today!
Dr. Van Lippes: I shall tell you the news in due time, Herr Franklin. But I need to know – is it true that you have engaged in lusty behavior with low women? Low FRENCH women?
Benjamin Franklin: As a matter of fact, it is true. I’m incredibly lusty! And you know my new saying “the lower the better!”
Dr. Van Lippes: And isn’t it true that you complain of many warts on thine genitals?
Benjamin Franklin: Yes yes! A thousand times yes! Tell me – what of it???
Dr. Van Lippes: You have syphilis.
Benjamin Franklin (despondent): Well this is one story we won’t be running in The Pennsylvania Gazette, the newspaper I bought in 1729.
Act 3. Scene 1.
Scene: Philadelphia. Later October, 1786, Interior – Benjamin Franklin’s dining room. Benjamin Franklin sits at the head of the table, surrounded by his children – William, Francis and Sarah.
Benjamin Franklin: Hey kids. Thanks for coming over to my house for this family meeting.
William Franklin (Paul Rudd): Sure thing, Pop. As former colonial governor of New Jersey, I understand the importance of family meetings. And now that I’m in my 50s, I understand how important healthy living is. Can I please take off my shirt?
Francis Franklin (Matt Bomer): Let’s both take our shirts off! ‘Tis an unusually warm October day here in Philadelphia! Ever since your Poor Richard’s Almanac stopped being published in 1758, Pop, I can’t tell what the weather is going to be like!
- Enter Sarah Franklin’s husband Richard Bache
Richard Bache (Ben Affleck): My shirt is also very oppressive. I’ll just stand in the corner, shirtless, and lift things. Don’t mind me.
Benjamin Franklin: Yes. Now then, I have some very upsetting news. I have syphilis. It’s from my lustiness in France.
Sarah Franklin (Emma Stone): Oh my god – gross. I’m glad our mom, your wife Deborah Read died eight years ago. This news would’ve killed her.
Benjamin Franklin: Tell me about it.
Franklin Children (in unison): We still love you, dad!
- They all hug. Francis Franklin and Richard Bache have an extended hug with lots of meaningful glances.
Act 5, Scene 5.
Scene: Philadelphia. July 4, 1787. In the little park outside Independence Hall. George Washington, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson are all shirtless and hanging around.
George Washington (Channing Tatum): Wow! It is HOT today! Seriously – so hot!
Thomas Jefferson (hunked up Chris Pratt): I know! John Adams, do you mind putting this sun tan lotion on me?
John Adams (Henry Cavill from the Superman movies): Sure thing, as long as you return the favor.
- Enter Benjamin Franklin
Benjamin Franklin: Hey everyone! Happy Independence Day!
George Washington: Well, looky here. It’s our good friend Benjamin!
Thomas Jefferson: Hi Ben! You’ve got some pep in your step! What news have you?
Benjamin Franklin: Well, remember when I told you that I have syphilis? From all my lustiness in France? False alarm! It was just a case of mild, yet curable, crotch rot! So now all I have is gout and inflammation of the lining of my liver!
Washington, Adams & Jefferson: HUZZAH!
- John Adams and Thomas Jefferson start making out. Pan camera to the Liberty Bell which is like just a little over to the right. Melissa McCarthy is the bell ringer and she starts really ringing the shit out of the bell and it cracks. Everyone laughs.
- Fade to black.