#44: Two-Word Fortune Cookies


Hi!  The idea for these Two-Word Fortune Cookies has been with me for a while now.  I think it was like maybe 2012 or 2013, I went out to Seattle to visit my sister.  She got us tickets to see Jay Z and Justin Timberlake in concert in Vancouver.  The concert was like a B-.  We were pretty high up in the arena and we had to sit through a lot of Justin Timberlake nonsense (and Canadian mom dancing) before we got to the good Jay Z stuff.  Anyway – I got to see my 99 Problems and I was very happy about that….  The next day, we got stuck in some pretty awful Canada->US customs traffic and had a lot of time to brainstorm.  The big idea from the day was two-word fortunes.  Here’s how the conversation went down:

Me: Wow this traffic is awful.

Rita: You know what else is awful?  Fortune cookies.

Me: Ugh – I know.  The fortunes aren’t even fortunes anymore – they’re like these dumb pieces of advice.  NOT FORTUNES!

Rita: Right?  And who has time to read all of the words on a fortune cookie fortune anymore?  Not this gal-on-the-go!

Me: You know what this world needs?  Two-word fortune cookies!

Rita: YES!  Like “Syrup Surprise!”  What’s the surprise?  I don’t know!  But, it will definitely involve syrup!

Me: I’m going to start a cookie blog in about three to four years and this is going into THAT BLOG!

Canadian Customs Officer: Do you have anything to declare?

Me: Yes!  Justin Timberlake stinks!


Ok – so first things first.  You need some very funny and thought-provoking fortunes.  Syrup Surprise is a good one.  How about CODE BROWN?  Wow!  I do not envy the person with that fortune!  Here’s a good one – KARATE CHAMPIONSHIP!  Are you even signed up for karate classes?  No?  Well,  you will be soon!  The cookie doesn’t lie!

Write your hilarious fortune on some slips of paper.  Avoid using lead pencils or poison inks.  Set your fortunes aside.

Here’s your cookie recipe:

3 egg whites

3/4 cuppa gran sugar

1 sticka melted butter which is then cooled off a lil bit

1/4 tsp vanilla

1 cuppa flour

2 tbsp water

the tiniest pinch of salt you can possibly pinch

Start off by mixing your egg whites and sugar on high for 2 minutes until you get a froth happening.  Then add in the rest of your junk slowly on a slow mix.  Don’t over mix.  You should have what looks like a pancake batter after about 30 – 60 secs of mixing.

NOW!  Get your oven heated up to 375.  Get some parchy-paper on your cookie sheets and take like a table spoon of your batter and spread like three batter circles onto the sheets.  ONLY THREE.  (I’ll tell you why in a minute, stud.  Just relax.)

These circles need to be about 3 inches in diameter.  That’s like the size of an Olympics gold medal, I think.  Who’s excited about the Olympics????  I can’t wait to see my boy DAN HULING in the STEEPLECHASE!  Kelly Huling – I am so excited – this is the only time I think I will ever watch Olympics steeplechase.  Tell Dan I said “good luck!”

As for the circle thickness – FUCK! – these have to be thin.  Use like an offset spatula to get your circles THIN!  Once you get your circles done, pop these mothers in the over and cook them up for about 6 – 8 minutes.  Be sure your fortune slips are close by because it is a race with the devil when these shits get out of the oven!

When your timer goes off, you need to act quick – plop your fortunes down kind of close to the center of the cookie, but not the total center – just a little north of the center.  Then, you fold your cookies in half while they’re still warm and bendable.  They might break a little bit.  THAT’S OK – DO NOT PANIC.  Then, pull your cookies up off the tray and kind of roll them a little bit into fortune cookie shape.  Maybe use a mini-muffin tin for your folded cookies so they keep the shape real tight.  Since you have maybe two minutes to do all of this folding, THAT’S WHY YOU BAKE ONLY THREE COOKIES AT A TIME.  If you have more on your tray – guess what, sucker.  Your cookies ARE NOW RUINED!

Yeah!  That’s how these fortune cookies are done, SON!  If you don’t like them, oh well!  Have a blessed week, dickhead!




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