#67: Gingerbread/White Choco Blondies

Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi!


I get sacks and sacks of fan mail every week and I thought this week I would dip into some of those sacks and answer some questions from MY FANS!

LETTER #1: Wow wow wow! I love your blog and all of your movies – especially Contagion.  That scene where you’re just a dead body and the doctors saw your head open and autopsy your brains – that was wild!  I just gotta know – how do you stay on top of all your holiday things?  – Nancy Vanderclams, Dallas TX

ANSWER #1: Nancy!  Hi – I think you’ve got me confused with Gwyneth Paltrow!  I loved Contagion too – what a performance!  But, as for the holidays, my trick is to make a budget and stick to it.  Not just a money budget for gifts, but a time budget for all the people you want to hang out with.  My neighbor Ratballs gets 15 minutes of polite conversation and a $10 giftcard for new flip-flops.  My favorite barber Jojo Ponytail gets 30 minutes of cutting my hair and a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream.

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LETTER #2: Hi hi hi hi hi! Remember when you won the Daytona 500 in 1969?  I still get chills thinking about it.  You must have some great advice for road trips – being a car expert and all…  GIVE ME ROAD TRIP ADVICE! – Frenchie Pitz-Calhoon, Bedford MA

ANSWER #2: Hi Frenchie! I think this note was meant for Mario Andretti.  I get mistaken for him all the time!  I can’t speak for Mario, but one thing I love doing on road trips is imagining what the mascots are for the high schools in the towns I drive by.  Here’s one for example:

Maybe the mascot of Hellertown High is the Mongoose.  And the Bethlehem High School mascot is a Jar of Tomato Sauce (the Bethlehem water polo team is the Aqua-Jars!).  And then I wonder what happens when Hellertown and Bethlehem meet at the Cross-Town Classic – who wins?  The Mongooses have so much riding on the big game, but the Jars haven’t lost a Cross-Town Classic in 47 years!!!  Go Jars!!!!

By the time you think all of these thoughts about Hellertown and Bethlehem, it’s on to the next two towns and it starts all over again!

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LETTER #3: You gave such great advice to the Fraggles at Fraggle Rock – I was wondering if you could help me out – what kind of gift should I get my new boyfriend? – Ross Hoot, Djibouti

ANSWER #3: Hey Ross!  Wow!  My first Djibouti letter!  Listen – I think you’ve got me mixed up with Marjory the talking trash heap!  


But, here’s the skinny – if you’re ever in Ashland Ohio (which is halfway between Cleveland & Columbus), go to Sweetie’s – it’s a candy shop right next to Grandpa’s Cheesebarn.  They have these giant bags of Lucky Charms marbits.  Literally all boyfriends love marbits.  Happy Holidays!

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If anyone wants their important life questions answered, send your letters to me – Jacko! – at 468 Walhalla, Cbus OH 43202.  I’ll do my best to answer them just as soon as I can!

Now then – these gingerbread/white choco blondies are fucking amazing for December.  Just the moistest dang eatable squares you’ve ever had.  Here’s your recipe, babe!

2-1/2 sticka room temp butter

1/4 cuppa gran sugar + another 2 tbsps of the same dang sugar

1-1/4 cuppa brown sugar

2 eggs

1-1/2 splashes of vanila

1/3 cuppa molasses

2-3/4 cuppa flour

1 tsp ginger

1/4 tsp cloves

1-1/4 tsp salt

1-1/4 tsp baking soda

A full bag of white choco chips + some more for extra decorations on top, if that curls your hair

OK – just mix all of these ingredients together (except for your decorating choco chips – set those aside).  You’ll end up with a pretty disgusting smelling slurry.  I swear – molasses is fucking gross just on its own.  But – something happens when it’s  baked with sugar and ginger and other things.  Just breathe into a clean t-shirt while you’re working with the unbaked dough…  Spread that shit into a greased up and parchy-paper-lined 12 x 17″ pan/tray situation.  Cook that shit for like 30 min at 350.  This is a Martha Stewart recipe and she says it needs 1-1/4 tsp of cinnamon too.  Listen – I LEFT THE CINNAMON OUT!  I just didn’t even see that in the recipe until just right now and guess what – IT WAS FINE!  Add the cinnamon if you want – who cares?  But if you leave it out, it’s still pretty fucking good.

OK – when these blondies bake, the white choco chips sink to the bottom because that’s just how it works out.  So, if you want to level up these blondies, here’s what you do – you microwave some of your set-aside white-choco chips until they’re melty.  Then you put the melty choco in a bag and pipe out designs on a piece of parchy-paper and freeze your designs.  I’m so angry that I’m 40 and I just learned that this was so easy.  I could’ve been making white chocolate shit this whole time.  I feel like a FUCKING IDIOT!

OK!  Have a great week, y’all!  BYE!

 

 

 

3 thoughts on “#67: Gingerbread/White Choco Blondies”

  1. Love your blog Jack! I will be so sad when you get to the 100th cookie! I would love to know how you come up with this crazy stuff!!! Happy Holidays!!!
    Sudan from Philly,PA

    Like

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