Hey! Happy Purim, y’all! I took an Old Testament class back in high school and the only thing I remember about Esther/Purim was “Jewish people were in trouble again and Eshter came along and that’s how we got Purim.” Real fuzzy on the details, gang!
Well guess what- I just researched it and now I’m a Purim expert! Back in olden Persian times, there was a king named Ahasuerus – and he had a wife named Vashti. King Ahaseurus was crunk one night and he was like “VASHTI! I want you to get all naked – except for your crown – and parade around for my homies!” And she was like “Nooooooope!” She disobeyed her dickhead husband and then he was like “ok – I respect you.”
Haha! No he didn’t. He said “Bye forever” and then he murdered her.
Then the king was like “aw shit – I gotta get me another wife. I’m gonna hold a beauty pageant.” Sound familiar????? Dickhead king who loves a good beauty pageant??????
Anyway, Esther is this Jewish lady and she enters the pageant and wins (talent: flaming batons), but she doesn’t tell anyone she’s in the tribe…. So, now she’s the queen! Secretly Jewish, but just trying to do the best she knows how!
OK – King Ahasuerus has a real shit-stain of a senior counsel named Haman from Persian Breitbart News. Some might say he’s worse than King Ahasuerus – this dude thinks all Jews should be killed. He basically held a lottery to figure out which day would be Jewish People Extermination Day. (NOTE – the lottery was just HAMAN pulling LOTS out of his POCKET – HAMAN’S POCKET, which is a HAMANTASCH!)
Right – now Haman is getting ready to kill all the Jews in all the land and Esther hears about it and she’s like “oh fuck. I gotta stop this shit.” She holds a dinner party for the King and for Haman and she’s like “Guess what, y’all. I’m Jewish. This fuckface is plotting to kill all the Jews”. The king was like “Wait – WHAT? Haman – for real? Shoot! The only one getting killed is you, HAMAN!” And that’s what happened.
So, Purim is a Jewish holiday to celebrate Esther’s courage and saving the Jewish people – and part of the holiday is eating hamantaschen cookies, which are like circle cookies that get folded up and have a filling – maybe it’s apricot blobs, maybe it’s prunes – it’s whatever the fuck you want it to be.
I’m just thinking about Esther’s big royal Jewish-reveal dinner party and if I were going to get my dickhead king husband to be like “wow – great dinner”, I’d want to serve some of these savory pimiento cheese cookies, which really feels like upscale and special and like “I sure don’t want to Holocaust everyone”.
Here’s your dang recipe:
For the pastry:
1-1/2 cup AP flour
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 tsp salt
1-1/2 stick cold cold butter
1/2 cup ice cold water
OK – just mix up your flours and salt in a big bowl and then cut in real small niblet-size chunks of your cold butter. Use your hands to do this – you want a chunky sand consistency. Then, gradually add in the water and it should clump up real nice . You want a big-time sticky clump of dough – put that sticky clump right in the fridge for 15 minutes.
While your clump is chilling, get to work on your pimiento cheese:
8oz block of softened cream cheese
2 cups shredded cheddar (sharp!)
1/2 cup mayonnaise
1 small jar of pimiento
pinch of salt, garlic powder, pepper
Get the hand mixer our and mix this junk in a big bowl. That’s how pimiento cheese is made and it’s fucking delicious.
Hey! Remember your chilled pastry dough? It’s time to get that out of the fridge and rolled out on a floured-up countertop. Use a biscuit cutter to cut 9″ circles and put your pastry circles on a parchy-paper lined cookie sheet. Take about a half-tbsp blob of your pimiento cheese and blop your blobs in the middle of your circles. Then! Pinch your circles on three sides to make a little pocket – dig? The corners should stick together, but you’ll need to brush on an egg wash over the sides and the pinched corners so the corners keep sticking during the bake. BELIEVE ME – I tried these little shits all sorts of ways and you need the egg wash to act as a hamantaschen cement.
NOW – pop these fuckers in a 425 degree oven and bake for 12 minutes, and then reduce the temp to 375 after the 12th minute and bake for another 10 minutes. Wow wow wow – these guys are great great great great. Chag Purim Sameach, y’all!