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At work this week, I sat in on a digital marketing conference, where I learned all about social media influencers. Have you heard of these people? They have like an Instagram and maybe a Snapchat and they have a blog about whatever! Maybe they’re an expert on something – like crop tops or waterslides…. Maybe they’re just really handsome and they take their shirts off a lot. Big brands find these people and pay them to create content! OH! And – the followings don’t have to be super-huge. Some brands prefer MICRO-INFLUENCERS!
Brand Managers and Social Marketing Agency Folks, hello. I would like to invite you to spend your marketing dollars on 100 Cookies. I’m what they call a NANO-INFLUENCER. I have literally ones of followers. While I would probably be the best match for bakeware and baking ingredients, I feel like I could also sell the following goods/services:
- Netflix nature shows
- Pillows / blankets
- Inexpensive rosé wines
- Wigwam motels
- Mini Coopers
- Old Navy unmentionables
- Walhalla Ravine tourism office
- Lisa Loeb albums (really just the one album – Firecracker – remember that one??? So good!)
So – if you rep any of the above, shoot me a dang email! Hamburgerbrown@yahoo.com! That’s my real email, y’all!
Here’s a sample:
Oooh weeeeee! Have you ever had glass after glass of premium, high-quality VANDERCLAMS BRANDY* and thought to yourself “wow! VANDERCLAMS BRANDY is the best damn brandy! It’s grand-slam brandy! It’s fine-and-dandy-like-sour-candy brandy!”???
I sure have!
And now, you can have that high-quality, premium 100% brandy in cookie form! INTRODUCING VANDERCLAMS BRANDY SNAPS! Wow! Here’s your dang recipe!
For your VANDERCLAMS BRANDY SNAP SHELLS**:
1 stick of butter
1/4 cup, gran sugar
1/3 cup, brown sugar
1/2 cup, molasses
1 tbsp VANDERCLAMS BRANDY
3/4 cup, flour
In a saucepan, melt your butter with your two sugars and the molasses. NOTE – British people call molasses “treacle”. Isn’t that something??? OK – this junk will start to bubble – yes – that’s what you want. A good bubble, but only for a minute. DO NOT let your molasses mix over-bubble, friendo. Set your just-bubbled mix off the heat and mix in all the rest of your junk. It’ll be sticky and not like dough at all.
Now then, spoon out about 6 tablespoon-sized blobs on a parchy-papered baking sheet and cook these mammajammas at 325 for 10 – 12 min. THEY WILL SPREAD AND BUBBLE!
I think you need to do like one tray at a time – I think the upper rack doesn’t cook the same as the middle rack, so just do one middle-rack tray and budget your time accordingly. ALSO – once these come out of the oven, you need to roll these shits out and you have a smallish window to do that…. ONE TRAY AT A TIME!!!
HEY! Remember those Chinese finger traps…. See below…. You want to roll your slightly cooled off, but still quite warm snaps to look like these. Be ever so tender and gentle with these guys and drape them over a greased up metal handle something. I used my wisk – the handle is like maybe an inch in diameter and it’s metal, so get one of those and drape your junk. You’ll need to use your hands for a lot of this and you will absolutely burn yourself, but that’s what it takes for A+ snaps, y’all!
Here’s a JACK VOLPI TRICK – if you can stomach the pain, hold your snap into shape on your metal handle for about a minute. The snap will be much snappier if you do that.
FOR THE CREAM FILLING:
2 cups heavy cream
1/3 cup sugar
2 tbsp VANDERCLAMS BRANDY!!!!
Whip all this junk in a chilled mixing bowl until you have whipped cream! It’s that simple! And don’t you just love the rich, dynamic flavor of VANDERCLAMS BRANDY just sitting all up in that whipped cream???? ME TOOOOOOOOO!
*I made up Vanderclams Brandy! Yay!
**I pinched most of this recipe from that Pioneer Woman from the teevee!
*** I pinched this photo from a google image search! I didn’t draw it myself! Google “admiral ackbar finger trap” and you’ll find it! Yay!