#92! ‘Merica Tweels & Volpi Vanilla Ice Cream! 

Hi friends! Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi!

With 4th of July right around the corner, I took 20 minutes today to have a think about America. Complicated feelings, y’all! I made a long list of things that make me upset about America right now and then threw it away. Here’s the list I kept:

Things that make America great and that I love:

  • Pussy hats
  • Melissa McCarthy 
  • Town hall protests, airport protests, scientist protests, all the protests
  • That Hawaiian court that was like “this travel ban is wrong, y’all!”
  • The handmaids tale
  • Crystal Griner
  • Kamala Harris
  • The guy who blocked Betsy Devos from visiting that public school and yelled “shame” at her
  • Nina Bo’nina Brown (she absolutely should have been Blac Chyna)
  • Gay people can still get married. Someday I can get married….  
  • nevertheless, she persisted
  • Chance the Rapper
  • Trial by jury, y’all! I’ve been on jury duty all week and I forget that it’s a muthafuckin PRIVILEGE to participate in our legal system!!!!!
  • This video
  • Chicago and New York and Miami and Seattle and Bay Area and Portland and COLUMBUS (esp clintonville and double esp WALHALLA RAVINE) 
  • The Maya Rudolph as Dionne Warwick episode of Kimmy Schmidt (season 3, episode 8)
  • Jimmy Fallon’s mustache

Yep! Lots and lots to love about America. So thankful to live here! 

Here’s your dang recipe! (I pinched this from Aunt Martha.)

8 egg whites! 

2 cups, gran sugar!

2 cups, flour!

1-1/4 melted butter (but like cooked down to room temp)!

1 pinch, salt!

1 tsp, vanilla! 

1/4 cup + 2 tbsp heavy cream!!!!

Mix your egg whites and sugar until the whole mess is real dang foamy! The mixer should be on like MEDIUM, ok??? When your junk is real foamy, drop down to low and add in all the rest of your ingredients until it looks like drippy pancake batter. 

Right, so if you want stripes, set aside some of your cookie batter for food coloring.  Put your batters in pastry bags and pipe out 6″ x 3″ rectangles on Silpatted trays. 

IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!!!!!  You want your rectangles to be super super thin. Like you will fucking regret it if you pipe thick-ass rectangles, bro. So, just thin that shit out. This way, you can roll your shits after the bake, dude!!!!!  TRUST ME!!!!

Cook your rectangles at 400 for 8 minutes. 

OH!!!! ALSO IMPORTANT!!!!!!  Only cook one tray of three rectangles at a time!!!!  This is super annoying but you just gotta believe me, you gotta do this!!!!

When your three cooked rectangles are out of the hotbox, flip those shits over and quickly roll these up into like cookie straws.  Oh my god. Your fingers will be completely sizzled. Remember when Stannis Baratheon set his own daughter on fire in the Game of the Thrones???  Your fingers will be like ten little Shireens when you’re done with this….  Get your rolled shits on a plate to cool and they’ll stiffen up to like a real stiff and crispy fancypants cookie straw. FRENCH PEOPLE CALL THEM TUILES!!!!  🇫🇷🇫🇷🇫🇷 (TWEEEEEEELS!)

ONE LAST THING!!!!  I’m pretty sure this is the same recipe as fortune cookies. Remember these fuckers? It’s basically the same deal! 

BONUS!!!!! I also made the ice cream! IT’S VOLPI VANILLA!!!! My burnt fingers don’t want to type no mo, so click here!!!!  This was my first ever ice cream!!!!  Listen – it’s not very cute and I shouldn’t have used 2% milk but for first ever ice cream, I’m pretty dang happy! 


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