It’s Olympics time again and I am TRYING my hardest to be interested. I’m definitely more interested in a Winter Olympic moment than Summer because I just like Winter things better – and that’s just my PERSONAL PREFERENCE.
Like every other gay my age, I was strapped to the TV back in 1994 because of the Nancy Kerrigan / Tonya Harding situation. And here’s the tea – I didn’t give two hoots about either one of them when it came time for their event. Not even ONE HOOT. Because – if you recall – this was also the year of SURYA BONALY.
Oh – who the fuck is Surya Bonaly? Did you really just think that thought? Oh – well let me just remind you – she’s the one with the MOTHERFUCKING BACK FLIPS!
ICE SKATING BACK FLIPS!!!!!
So – I sure did see that I, Tonya movie and I thought it was just OK. I didn’t love it, really – it was just pretty medium – like a woman named Linda who sells office bookshelves (this is a real person – her name is Just OK Linda. CLARE – Remember???). So – this is what Just OK Linda would look like as a movie. JUST OK.
The thing I hated about it is there was no mention of the fucking back flips in the whole fucking movie. There was barely a mention of Oksana Baiul, who won the g-d gold medal! And – I think there was maybe a half-second where they showed a maybe-Surya skating by in the background. Don’t you think that if there were back flips happening at the Lillehammer Olympics, you should find a way to put some of them in the dang movie??? SHIT, BRO!
Anyway – it’s Olympics time and I’m watching (mostly to see if Gus Kenworthy takes his pants off ever) – and to show my support, I made some Olympic medal cookies. As I mentioned on my Facepage earlier this week, I dropped my phone and destroyed it on my way into the cookie sprinkle store – these were the cookies I was planning on making when that happened! And, to add insult to injury, they didn’t even have BRONZE SPRINKLES. What the actual fuck? WHY ME? Why do bad things happen to good people (me)????
I tried to replicate bronze sprinkles by mixing together silver and gold and black and purple and yellow – and it looked like fucking garbage. This got me thinking that the bronze medal is actually a slap in the fucking face. BRONZE? Fuck that shit. If I won third place, I’d be pissed – but maybe my shit feelings would be reduced if my medal was rainbow instead of bronze???? Maybe – I might just shoot for third, instead of 1st??? 3rd place is where it’s at, y’all – RAINBOW MEDAL! Who’s with me? Anyone?
OK – that’s all I have today!