I work in a giant corporate office. I’ve worked in giant corporate offices for most of my adult life and there are definite upsides – mainly paychecks. But I’ve noticed that in order to fit in at most of these places, a lot of dumb sports talk happens. There is a whole lot of talk about sport games over weekends and March Madness brackets and fantasy leagues and golf handicaps. But even in business meetings, sport talk gets dropped in as metaphor to the thing that maybe doesn’t need a sport metaphor. I already don’t give two fucks about your Final Fours and your Super Bowl whatevers, so talking about “blocking and tackling” in my marketing meeting makes my brains want to blow themselves out.
Well guess what.
I’M OVER IT. I am taking a vow right now that I will never use another sport talk metaphor ever again. No more swinging for the fences or 90 yard lines or full court presses. I barely know what any of that shit even means.
INSTEAD – I’m going to start using baking metaphors and I don’t give two shits who’s in the room to hear them. Rita and I brainstormed some good ones over the weekend. Please consider:
- Stiff Peaks. When something has achieved its perfect state. “Well, Brenda, that idea seems like STIFF PEAKS to me! Let’s call the Board of Directors immediately!”
- Mise en Place. State of readiness. “Brenda, how’s your business meeting leave-behind MISE-EN-PLACE?” (note – PRE-HEATED OVEN could also work here…. “Brenda, is your oven pre-heated? The convention is in three fucking days!”)
- 68% Cacao! This is perfect! “Brenda! Well done on that quarterly financial report! 68% CACAO!”
- Soufflé. When you were so close to perfection, but then you deflate at the last minute. “I thought Brenda gave a great interview, but she sure did SOUFFLÉ when we asked her about her criminal record.”
- Footless Macaron. Unacceptable work product. “I gave Brenda four weeks to hand in that research summary, had like three phone calls with her to make sure she knew what the fuck she was doing and she still turned in a FOOTLESS MACARON. This is fucking bullshit.”
- Last Year’s Lamb Cake. The current standard against which all future performance will be measured. “Listen, Brenda – we’d really love to consider your request for a raise, but your work lately just isn’t LAST YEAR’S LAMB CAKE.”
- Drop Your Heat Down to 250. Relax, dickhead! “Brenda! I know that your product’s sales are in the toilet, but you need to DROP YOUR HEAT DOWN TO 250 before we walk into that all-associate meeting.”
Putting this list together really dropped my heat down to 250. I feel so refreshed now and ready to interact with my coworkers again. I don’t anticipate many will actually read this shit, but maybe I’ll be in a meeting someday and someone will give me a “68% Cacao” – and then I’ll know I made a difference in this dumb world.
Have a blessed day! BYE!!!!