Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi
I came up with a new TV show – maybe it’s Nutflicks original…. It’s called BEEF COVEN. It’s the story of a coven of very attractive gay male witches, who meat (sorry – “meet”) in Provincetown. There are lots of magic spells but also lots of steamy make-outs. Here’s a quick run-down of the main characters:
Jack (our hero) – the most handsomest gay in town – he owns a cookie bakery and all the beefs in town want a real piece of him. Will he find love? MAYBE!
Jimmy – a silver fox who’s new in town. Wow is he handsome, but also a medium dickhead sometimes (a Satanist?). He’s a powerful warlock that would have some magic spells up his sleeves – but he only wears tanktops.
Tomas – Jack’s roommate and a Portuguese sailing instructor. This guy likes to skateboard around and work out and does a few spells here and there, but he’s just real nice and likes to make hamburgers in his underpants.
Raja – the winner of Rupaul’s Drag Race Season 3. In drag, she’s a bomb-ass queen with all the fashions who does a one-woman show every summer. Out of drag, he’s a man-witch. He and Tomas sometimes make out.
Orko – the gay ghost magician from He-Man. He’s there for some reason. Probably one of Jimmy’s dingus friends…. He’ll get vanquished to a different dimension after that third episode because he’s really annoying.
Charlie – a super smokin hot gay witch from another gay bakery down the street (can we get Donald Glover for this???). He’s in the coven, but barely…. A real steamy tension here….
The Framingham Coven – this is the lesbian coven from Framingham and they’re always trying to stir up trouble for our heroes.
OK – here are some potential story lines:
- Episode 1 – Jack & Jimmy meet. Jimmy wants to be Jack’s boyfriend SO BAD, but Jack is just like “maybe…..” Jim tries to cast a love spell on him, but Jack’s magic is so powerful that it doesn’t even work. Jim is forlorn. Jack makes some incredible snickerdoodles and there’s a cooking demonstration in the middle of the show.
- Jack’s Origin Story – how did he get to know he was a man-witch? Where did he get his baking skills? How did he and Tomas meet? Did they make out? Yep – a little bit! What is Tomas hiding???? We’ll find out!!!! Jack also demonstrates how to make chorizo & cheeso hi-pies.
- Bear Week – some beefed up bears roll in to P-Town for all the tea-dances and sweaty BBQs. A new handsome bear wants to take Jack on a date – and Jim gets so jealous and angry. Jack decides he’d like to date Jim instead of the bear. And for their date, Jack demonstrates a recipe for bear-ownies. Orko is vanquished.
- What a Drag – Raja gets a bad case of witch-flu and is worried that she’ll miss out on a very important drag event. Jack, Jimmy and Tomas step up and put on their own drag show and it’s awful, but they hypnotize the audience to give them all the tips. Jack and Raja make a very sensible soup recipe together.
- Charlie Makes a Move – It’s time for the annual Provincetown bake-off. Jack and Charlie have competing cakes and Jack obviously wins. (Jack shows how to make the cake in a shirtless baking demo). Charlie decides that he needs to make Jack his lover. Will he or won’t he? Who fucking knows?
- Covens & Ovens – Jack’s oven breaks down and he needs to raise money fast. The Beef Coven gets together and they give themselves all incredible break-dance moves (get it – break downs / break dance???) so they can enter the local dance contest and win. (the other dance crew is the lesbian coven from Framingham.) Jack makes a no-bake situation because the oven is on the fritz.
- Where’s Tomas? At the end of Covens & Ovens, we see Tomas leaving P-Town with the Framingham Coven. What the fuck???? We learn the truth about Tomas and all becomes revealed…. It’s a very emotional episode. Jack shows the guys how to make sangria!
- HALLOWEEN PARTY. Jim is tired of Jack’s DEVIL-may-care attitude to their relationship. He’s ready to take things to the NEXT LEVEL. He summons Satan for advice. Satan doesn’t show up, because he doesn’t give a shit, so Jimmy has to figure it out on his own. Jack makes a Devil’s Food Cake for the big Halloween Party.
- Orko’s Return. Orko comes back from his dimension, but is now a very handsome man and not at all annoying. Handsomer than Jimmy and Donald Glover put together. Jack is thrown for a fucking loop, y’all. Who does he choose? Jack makes some macarons, which are a fucking bitch to make.
- Season 1 Finale – A Sexy Nor’Easter. It’s right before the big Christmas party, but a sexy Nor’Easter is threatening to demolish Provincetown. The Coven needs to come together, despite all of their differences to push the Nor’Easter away. (I should mention that the Nor’Easter is a winter-demon played by Bradley Cooper’s father.) Orko sacrifices himself to save everyone but Jack is like “woof – thanks, bro. This love triangle was getting messy!” Jack makes a gingerbread house.
Oh – what’s that? You’re hungry for more??? Here are some more show ideas for Season 2:
- Queer Eye Cross-Over – Demon Makeover
- Charlie Gets Cloned
- A Coven Divided
- Whose Underwear Is This?
- Softball Tournament Gets Ugly
- The Arrival of Forko – Orko’s Evil Twin
- The Bakery Burns Down!
- Explosion at The Dick Dock
- Lobster Shortage
- Road Trip to Salem
- Forko Gets Forked
Does anyone know anyone at Nutflicks????? I can’t wait to quit my job and work on this show full time!