#10: Raspberry Champagne Bars


Hey Team!

December is the best. Christmas is pretty rad, but it’s also great for sleeping late and having hot coffee and eating the egg and avocado sandwiches and doing crossword puzzles and taking walks in the dang ravine and then a nap and then raspberry champagne bars and holding hands with a big dummy.

What’s that? You want to know more about these raspberry champagne bars???? Ok!!! The recipe came to me in a DREAM! It’s like cake mix and this jam from the farmers market and then like a streusel situation on top.

You know that song “Groove Me”? Angie Stone covers it and it’s so good! You should listen to that song while you make these bars. She’s like “hey sugar dumpling. Give me some hugging. My name is Angie!”  Ugh! So goooood!

#9: Lime Shortbread


Hey Team!

Hi! I took a week off for thanksgiving! Jimmy and I went to a wedding outside of San Diego and I was just dang busy getting ready for it! And there were no cookies out there. Not a one! The wedding cake was terrible. This chocolate cake with super gross buttercream frosting. Listen, team, I ate it but only because I was being polite.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about these lime sables I had in Atlanta for a few weeks now. And I found this recipe on this blog: Joy The Baker. She’s the real deal, team. I made mine with two limes instead of a lime and a lemon. And they tasted like shortbread to me, so I’m calling them lime shortbreads. (Sorry, Joy!). Here’s the link to her recipe:

http://joythebaker.com/2008/07/citrus-sables/
It feels good to be back at the cookies. It’s December now and The cookies are gonna be all over the dang place. Get excited, team!!!!

Last note: I have been listening to that Tevin Campbell song “Round & Round” on heavy rotation. I don’t need no Adeles. Tevin Campbell is the REAL DEAL, Y’ALL! Stay tuned for my 90’s hiphop/r&b cookie playlist. (Spoiler alert: CeCe Peniston…)

#8: Pumpkin Snickerdoodle Sammies

1. I’m a little drunk (persecco)! Yay!

2. My sister tagged an Instagram of some pumpkin snickerdoodles this week from Aunt Martha (marthastewart.com) and they looked amazing. I was all “I’m gonna make those and then make a salted cinnamon buttercream frosting.”  And then I did it!

3. My sister is so rad. She’s all “I wanna live in Seattle and take pictures of bears and hike and paddleboard and yoga and do all the things.” I love her times a million trillion. I wish she was here to try these cookies.

4. If you are looking for really amazing fall junk, visit dearhenryowen.blogspot.com. Those kids know what they’re doing.

#7: Maple Acorn Sammies

 

Hey y’all!

So many exciting things happening. Such a fun weekend in atlanta with three of my favoritest people in the world. And NYC this weekend with homeboy. And it’s fall and I don’t have the summer sweats anymore! And I had two great ideas for side projects: a tv show about an all-day reverse werewolf (man’s head on a wolf body, and he’s also a flight attendant) and a movie about the time Benjamin Frankin was diagnosed with syphilis (spoiler alert: he didn’t actually get syphilis, just the gout!).

And then I came up with the idea for these maple acorn sammies.

LISTEN. I KNOW ACORNS COME FROM OAK TREES!  BACK OFF! THESE ARE ADORABLE!

Anyway, here’s the recipe! I think these go great with Buttery Nipples! Weeeeeeeee!

PS.  If anyone knows anyone interested in producing either my show or my movie, please contact me immediately. I already have casting ideas for everything! (Jude Law in both!)

#6: Clares

 

Jason & Emily and I are driving to Atlanta tomorrow to visit Clare. She’s been asking for Clare cookies for a few months. Like SHE WILL NOT LET UP! Because I wuv her, I made her some Clares.

1/2 cup room temp butter

1/2 cup sugar

1 egg

Big ol splash of vanilla

1/4 tsp salt (HEAPING!)

1/2 tsp baking soda

1-1/2 cups AP flour

Mix this junk together and wrap in plastic wrap. Chill for 30 min. Set aside a bit of the dough for the black food coloring.

Listen. There’s no Clare cookie cutter. You gotta just free-form the Clares. Just a melon head with some hair….

Then make the face with the black dough. Clare’s face is like so gorgeous.  Just make the most gorgeous faces you can. Then bake the faces on 350 for 10 minutes.

CLARE! I love you, babe! You’re such a stone cold weirdo and I just think you’re the cats pajamas. Can’t wait to see you!

#5: Ginger & Molasses Situations

It was Homeboy’s birthday Thursday, and he came down to Cbus for the weekend.  So, I was all “hey, Holmes, what kind of cookies do you want?”  He was all “Ginger & Molasses Situations!”  And I was all “Ok!”

This one is pretty easy. Just mix together the following:

1 stick of melted butter

1/2 cup gran. sugar

1/3 cup brown sugar

1/3 cup molasses

1 egg

2 cups AP flour

2 tsp baking soda

1-1/2 tsp cinnamon

1/2 tsp salt

1 tsp ginger

Roll this jazz into balls and then roll the balls in some sugar. Bake your balls for 10 min at 375. Cool and eat up, player!

Happy birthday, Holmes! You look pretty good for an old fart.

#4: Fig Nortons

 Hey! I made Fig Nortons! I don’t know what’s happening in my life anymore. I’m getting all gooped up all over the place. Work and friends and life and things.

And this dude who I’m thinking about a lot. He’s a total buttface and I didnt get to see him this weekend and I went to Meg’s wedding and I wished he was there and he wasn’t and I’m having some major gross feelings.

Anyway – these dumb feelings are a lot like the fig paste I made today. Sticky and sweet and disgusting to look at but you enjoy it anyway. FIG NORTONS!

Boil up about 12 fresh figs (minus the stems) with 2 cups of sugar, a cup of water and a cinnamon stick for 45 dang minutes! Drain and cool that mess and then put the figs into a food processor and make a fig paste (also known as feelings paste).

Make some dough! HGTV says 1 stick of butter, 1 egg, 1/3 cup sugar, 1-1/2 cups of AP flour, 1/4 tsp salt and 1/2 tsp baking powder.  (They also say 2 tbsp of orange juice, which I completely forgot but they still look and taste pretty great so do the juice if you want, but it’s not the end all…). Roll the dough out into a long rectangle. Spread the fig paste in a long line on one side of the dough-rectangle and then fold over the blank side onto the fig side and press that shit down.

Cook your fig log for 25-30 minutes at 350 – then cut into Norton-sized pieces.

I think these guys pair great with a peanut butter sandwich and some cold milk. But I’m not the boss of you – do whatever you want!

#3: Staci’s Grandma Holtkamp’s Supes Fluffy Sugar Fluff Bombs

Staci came over Thursday and we had a lovely boozy evening. She brought over her Grandma Holtkamp’s sugar cookie recipe. She was all “hey! These are the fluffiest dang cookies you’ve ever had in your life! Grandma Holtkamp liked ’em fluffy and boy do these cookies DELIVER!”

Grandma Holtkamp’s recipe makes an insane number of cookies so feel free to divide the measurements by two for half the cookies (MATH, Y’ALL!!!).

3 cups sugar

4 eggs

2 cups canola oil

2 cups delicious buttermilk

2 tsp baking soda

3 tsp vanilla

6 cups AP flour (6!!!!!)

6 tsp baking powder

1 tsp salt

Give your oven a preheat to 400 dang degrees.

Mix all that junk together. It’s that easy. It’s gonna look like a pancake batter but I promise it makes cookies. These babes will spread when you bake them so make these small or just spread them out. Or if you’re like Staci, just make giant cookies that will ultimately mash together. Sprinkle some sugar, maple syrup or bacon bits on them and bake for about 8-10 minutes. Staci likes here cookies crazy underbaked – so feel free to bake them 4-6 minutes for “Staci-style”.

These cookies pair really well with several bottles of very inexpensive wine. ENJOY!!!!!

NOTE: For the movie version of this blog, Staci thinks Emma Stone should play her.  I agree!  Did yall see The House Bunny? That was a good movie!

 

#2: Arlettes (French Swirlies)

 

Hi! This is a great story. I’m in the Cleve this weekend, visiting my homeboy. He has hinted a few times about getting some cookies, so I was all “ok!”. This is the beginning of an excellent story. Keep reading.

I think my mistake was I chose arlettes (or French Swirlies). I saw these on the Great British Bake Off and they looked amazing. If you are a dirty cheater, you can use store bought puff pastry. But if you are an upstanding citizen/idiot, you make it from scratch. I am an idiot, so these cookies took forever. Here’s what’s what….

PUFF PASTRY DOUGH LAYER:

1 cup AP flour

2-2/3 tbsp butter (melted, unsalted)

1 tsp salt

3 tbsp cold water plus splashes more as needed

Go ahead and mix this jazz up in a bowl and then knead it for 5 minutes. Shape into a square, wrap in Saran Wrap and chill for an hour.

PUFF PASTRY BUTTER LAYER:

8-1/3 tbsp butter (room temp, unsalted)

1/2 cup AP flour

While the dough is chilling, cream these guys together and roll into a long rectangle about twice the length of your dough square and chill for 25 minutes. This will be messy and annoying. Put down some flour for the rolling – it’ll help!

Once you have your chilled shit chilled, wrap the butter layer around the dough layer. Then do a book fold. Just google this bit. It’s too hard to explain. For a cheat, just fold as much as you can. When the folding is folded, chill for another 25 min. Fold and chill, fold and chill. THIS TAKES FOREVER!

Then roll out and fold again and chill again for another 25.  Do you see why just buying the pastry dough is smart now????

SUGAR BUSINESS

1/2 cup granulated sugar

2 tsp ground cinnamon

Mix this jazz and spread a bit out on a counter. Put your pastry dough on the sugar and roll out into a big ol rectangle.  Put more of the sugar jazz on top of the rolled out rectangle. Then roll the dough up into a log situation. Slice the log up into like 12-15 thinnish slices.  Then smash up each slice super thin and dust with more sugar. I can’t stress the thinness enough – THIN, Y’ALL!!!!

Pop these thin flat slices into the oven (400F) for like 13 minutes. That’s it. They should be crisp and flat and are pretty great with coffee or a mimosa or whatever you drink on a Sunday morning.

Here’s the best part -I spend all morning making these shits and they come out pretty darn perfect and Holmes is like “nah, I had a big breakfast. Hard pass.”  So, I will be murdering him very soon…..

Anyway! That’s my story for Week 2! Get excited for more pumpkin shit for Week 3 and a special guest – Staci! You know…. STACI!!!!

Note 1: Holmes did in fact eat one after I made him feel bad. And he said they were “ok”.

Note 2: Holmes has requested the Parker Posey play him if this blog ever gets made into a movie. He also thinks Aziz Ansari should play me.

#1: Pumpkin Tasties

I started a new job today – agency relations consultant at Nationwide. I was really anxious all weekend, especially last night. I wanted to bake to relax a little and have something to take to work today. Since fall officially starts Wednesday, there’s pumpkin shit everywhere – which means it’s the perfect time for pumpkin tasties. I first had these as a sample at William Sonoma five or six years ago and my brain melted. The star ingredient is Muirhead Pumpkin Pecan Butter, which I get at WS…. Anyway, here’s the recipe.  (NOTE: I know this isn’t technically a cookie; it’s a bar. BUT I DO WHAT I WANT!!!!  THERE WILL SOMETIMES BE BARS ON THIS BLOG!!!!)

1 box yellow cake mix

1 stick (8 tbsp) melted butter

3 eggs

1 jar Muirhead Pumpkin Pecan Butter

2 tbsp milk

1/4 cup sugar

1 tbsp AP flour

1 tsp ground cinnamon

4 tbsp cold butter

First, preheat that oven to 350F and grease up a 9×13 pan.

Now then, open up the cake mix. Set aside 1 cup of the cake mix in a bowl.

In another bowl mix up the remaining cake mix with the melted butter and 1 egg. Put that jazz in the pan. That’s the bottom layer.

Next, mix the pumpkin pecan butter, 2 eggs and the milk and put that jazz on the cake layer. That’s Layer 2.

Then, mix the cup of cake mix, the sugar, cinnamon and flour.  Cut the chilled butter into little chunks. LITTLE CHUNKS!!!!! Mash the chunks into the cake business – this is like a streusel. I just learned that….  Anyway this is the top layer.

Pop that jazz into the oven for 40 minutes. Let the pan cool and then cut into squares.

For the best night ever, serve these warm with vanilla ice cream. Your brains will fucking melt.