#118: Medium Peanut Butter Cookies

Jeezy Petes y’all!  Hi!

Can I be fucking honest with y’all??  These peanut butter cookies were pretty medium.  I don’t have a go-to recipe for PB cookies yet, so I just go to the internet and type in “soft peanut butter cookies”.  I found this page…  HERE’S THE LINK!  Sandra – you seem like a real interesting person, but these cookies were neither “soft” nor “best ever”….

(Oh my god – if I end up in a blog war with Dash Of Sanity Sandra – this will be a 2018 Highlight….  Stay tuned…)

Anyway – I’m sorry to “pop off” on ol’ Sandra, but those cookies were dry AF!  (and another thing! You have to scroll for 7,000 years before you get to the recipe.  SANDRA – get to the dang point!)  Meanwhile – you’re reading this terrible blog and I’m not even sharing a recipe!  SORRY ABOUT IT!!!!

(no I’m not)

Ooooooh – someone’s in a real crusty and dusty mood today!

Listen – can I just have one fucking day a year to be a dickhead?  I found out that two people I medium know now have tv shows and I have ZERO.ZERO tv shows.  SANDRA – do YOU have a TV show????  (again, Sandra – I’m sorry – just in a real mood!).  I’m just over here busting my humps thinking up real medium cookie ideas and Martha Dang Stewart hasn’t called me up to do her next holiday special.  My humps are all busted from my busting them all day!  MARTHA!  CALL ME!

Maybe my format is all wrong?  I’m noodling some blog upgrades.  Guest bloggers!  More lists!  Videos & stop motion animation!  More butt pictures????  Remember when I had butt pictures????  SANDRA – remember?????  I need some kind of search box so people can search stuff – I can’t believe I’m 41.5 years old and I’m just now coming to that realization.  Also – I need to add in some tags so I can just type in Ryan Reynolds to find the post I did about Deadpool 1 a million years ago.  (Cameron and I just saw Deadpools 2 and it STUNK!).***

Image result for the critic it stinks

(Remember The Critic from forever ago????  Such a good show!)

NOTE – The only good part about Deadpools 2 was Rob Delaney who is a goddamn national treasure.

Other things that are giving me a RED RUMP:

  1. It’s so hot out and I’m literally ALWAYS SWEATING.
  2. There’s so much construction in and around Columbus right now and it takes me forever to do anything.
  3. I don’t even know what’s happening on The Handmaid’s Tale anymore.  I give up.  Praise Gilead.
  4.  Every time I display one of my deeply personal knickknacks in the house, Jimmy will move it when I’m not looking – even though there are seven million pictures of beagles and old weird Irish people all over the house.  STOP MOVING MY KNICKKNACKS, BRO!  YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE GETTING INTO!
  5. Did I squander my 20s???  Ugh – probably!
  6. One of my colleagues wants to plan some kind of welcome mingle party for our floor at work so we can meet our new work neighbors (a few of us just moved from the 6th floor to 24).  She’s real sweet to want to do it, but I don’t want to do a weird mingle party and talk to people I don’t know!
  7. I have no idea what Cardi B is all about.

OK!  That should just about do it.

JACK VOLPI PROMISE – I will work on my peanut butter cookies and come back with a recipe I feel great about.  That will be my Back Half Of 2018 OBJECTIVE.

(Final thing – I googled “Rob Delaney butt” because it seemed like a fitting way to close out this blog and there are zero.zero files found. The tighty-whitey photo above is about as good as it gets.)

***EXCITING UPDATE – I did just update the blog with Search box!  And it works!  Just type in Ryan Reynolds and see for yourself!!!

#117: Choco Chip Gay Wads

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Happy Pride, Y’all!

1. Growing up, I got “fag” and “fairy” a lot. But every so often, I’d get a “gay wad”, which – upon reflection – is kind of charming. It’s so stupid, that I medium love it. I’m a gay wad, y’all. DEAL WITH IT.

2. Pretty low-key Pride Weekend for me this weekend. Mike Pence was in town and there was a big gay dance party outside his hotel with a gay Mike Pence doing something. Here’s my idiot friend Dylan with gay Mike Pence.

Dylan is striped shorts on the left….

3. My other idiot friend Cameron found out he has Stage 4 lymphoma a few weeks ago, but is doing FINE! I took him to his second chemo treatment on Friday and brought his nurses some chemo cookies. They seemed verrrrry unimpressed…. I looked at their workstation and it was covered in cakes and cookies from like literally everyone else. Note to self – chemo nurses get plenty of cookies…. don’t bother….

4. These cookies (and the chemo cookies) are just standard choco chip. BUT! I added some Baileys Irish Cream in the mix – maybe 2 tbsps, and maybe a clump more of flour to thicken the shit up, and that’s that! I think the Baileys really adds a special extra deliciousness to the taste, so just get into it!

5. I also watched the first two queer eyes of season two this afternoon and holy jeez. When Antoni starts crying at the end of S1E2, I lost my shit. It was so sweet and I had to rewind and rewatch like 5 times.

Also – can we talk about Bobby??? I feel like he’s such an outsider… like he’s not as cool as the other four and wears dumb hats but seems sweet…. I just want the other four to be like “hey, Bobby, we like you! Stop trying so hard with the hats!”

Here’s a cute picture of Bobby WITHOUT A HAT!

6. Ugh. That’s it for this week, y’all! Happy Pride, gay wads!

Gas Station Brownies

Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi!

Y’all! It’s my work picnic this afternoon! There’s gonna be a cornhole tournament and other things! And just like the last two years, I’m bringing a doggone baked good!

Here’s a quick story from my old Wendy’s days. One of our admins was like “hey y’all! Let’s have a potluck!” My boss Jason and my friend CLARENCE PITT JR and I were like “Jesus. Gross. Potlucks are so stupid, let’s NOT go and instead get lunch pancakes at the pancake place near the office.”

The night before the potluck, I had a few beverages and then started to feel guilty for not participating (pot-ticipating?). So I looked around the kitchen and was like 💡💡💡 “I’m gonna make my FAMOUS (never before made) JACKAMOLE!

Y’all. It was avocados and Reece’s Pieces.

I sure did bring it into work and plop it down on the potluck table and then went to have pancakes. The admin came up to me afterwards and was so sweet and said “I gave that jackamole a try and it was really great.” Then she locked herself into a toilet stall and is still there today…. Flush.

I love that story.

So! Where was I???

Oh! We have our team picnic and I was like – SHOOT! What am I gonna make???? I was at the gym doing my damn thing and was like “hey! Just go to the gas station on the way home and see what *SPEAKS* to you, you fucking idiot”.

So I bought some garbage and then made these Harvest & Honey brownies. Does everyone here know Lauren McDuffie??? She’s adorable! And she’s an award winner and maybe has a cookbook coming out soon??? She made brownies on her lil blog a while ago and I filed that recipe away in my brains. Oooooohweeeeee! If fudgy brownies are for you, you sure as fuck need to make these, compadre! Here’s the link, team!

NOTE 1. If plain ol brownies aren’t sweet enough, blop on a salted choco buttercream. I guessed at how to make this so don’t even ask me for a recipe! I DON’T KNOW!

NOTE 2. Then! For a little extra business, top with pretzels, cheese/PB crackers or Reece’s Pieces (again with the RPs??? THEY’RE MY FAVORITE AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, GO SIT ON A KNIFE!)

NOTE 3. Am I handsomer as a dog than as a man??? I kind of think so…. woof woof!

NOTE 4. Here’s a picture of Henry Cavill. Basically my twin!!!!

NOTE 5. BYE FOREVER!

Chorizo & Cheeso Hi-Pie

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It’s been a full year since we took our big trip to BUENOS AIRES, ARGENTINA, and I keep thinking about all those dang empanadas that we scarfed the entire time. YOU GUYS – this one night, Cameron and I went to see Argentina drag queens and then had empanadas at a GAS STATION afterwards!

A GAS STATION! Lol?

Speaking of Cameron, it’s his dumb birthday on Saturday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FUCKFACE!

Cameron likes to send me texts that start “babe, should I/we do XYZ?”

I’ve collected some of my favorites and would like to share them here, because they’re really funny:

  • Should I become a small town lesbian?
  • Should I put more people on blast?
  • Babe should we get belly chains?
  • Should we get see-through cat suits?
  • Babe should I start carrying a switch blade?
  • Should I get a keyboard cat tramp stamp?
  • Should I start calling myself a bone collector?

I’m not sure what that last one really means…. I’m guessing it’s referring to Denzel Washington???

Ok! Back to these chorizo & cheeso hi-pies! Holy fuck! They’re fucking delicious! This is maybe a JACK VOLPI SIGNATURE RECIPE, and I’m rethinking a cookbook idea, so I’m holding off on a recipe because maybe that goes in the book!

So – just buy my dumb book in four years when it’s published, OK????

Cookie Butter Iced Cream!

Hey team! It’s me! Jacko!

Happy Memorial Day! Right???

RIGHT!

Listen – Jim and I just got back from his niece’s dang wedding in Fancypants, Pennsylvania. We stayed at a hippie dippie farm and it was equal parts charming and terrifying. Sure there was a giant soaker tub and so many quilts, but also more decorative animal skulls than appropriate (honestly one decorative skull is too many).

Kicking myself for not taking more pictures. I feel like you need more proof of how scary it was. I’m not one for hyperbole, SO TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.

The only real photos I took were of this deer I saw on my Saturday morning run….

and this toe ring stall at the market across the street from our farm.

Oh! And! We were so close to the New Jersey border that we could walk across the Delaware river bridge and be in cute Lambertville.

Anyway. The wedding was fine and nothing major happened. I ate all the hors douevres and maybe had two full bottles of Chardonnay. It was so buttery, y’all! And I couldn’t keep track! But – the hors douevres really soaked up all that wine!

So we packed up yesterday morning and hit the PA turnpike – and it was wet and wild! We almost flew off a cliff in a hydroplane situation! But I kept a cool head from the passenger seat and maintained total composure!

And then I made this iced cream when we got home! It’s my own dang recipe! I used the Jeni’s peanut butter ice cream as like a template and subbed in cookie butter for peanut butter and blipped in some speculaas cookie pieces and it is really something!

Real real something!

Lol!

#116 – Chocolate Crunkles

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1. I’m writing this at 11:34pm but the photo will happen tomorrow

(Oh wait. Here it is!)

2. My friend Cammy came over and I made some late night mimosas. Just two! But I didn’t have dinner so I’m feel so fresh and exciting.

3A. Ridiculous amounts of life stress happening right now, team. House is closing next week and I have final furniture moves to coordinate and my movers are in the hospital (long story) and we have our electrician coming every four days to install new fixtures and outlets and maybe hose out our vents???? My dad’s cataracts are all fogged over and he needs to get a lens scrape-down. Everyone’s falling apart. And there’s nothing good on TV right now.

3B. Oh – and in the middle of all of this, Jimmy and I are DRIVING to dang Philadelphia for his niece’s wedding.  That’s like an 8 hour road trip.  EIGHT HOURS.  oh – but wait – Jim said he wants to take the doggos with us now!  It’s just going to be a lot, you know?  All I wanna do is cuddle my dang self in a giant muffin bed and nap and watch some movies and hang out, but I’m going to be up to my nards in dogs and bridesmaids and Irish people and gas station burritos.  HUMPH!

4. Did you see that thing this week about the pope meeting the Chilean guy who was a gay and the pope told the gay that gays are normal and God loves gays??? LINK HERE!

Jim dated this dude!  I guess this dude lived in Cleveland and Jimmy dated him and his sisters all thought he was SOOOO handsome….

I’m over here just dicking around with some cookies and Jimmy’s ex is meeting with popes and changing the whole Catholic Church.

SORRY I’M NOT PERFECT, EVERYONE.

But – what about those cookies, y’all???  They were pretty great!  I got the recipe from a Martha Stewart cookbook called Cookies & More.  (or All About Cookies)  (or It’s Me – MARTHA: Cookies!).  Anyway – her recipe is called like Gammy’s Best Choco Cookies.  It’s like 2-1/2 sticks of butter & 2 cups sugar (!) & 3/4 cup cocoa & 2 eggs & 2 cups flour.  Listen – I added some espresso powder and I rolled my chilled dough lumps in demerara sugar and I think they tasted pretty great.  I’m not sure how copyright law works, so I’m not going to give the full recipe.  BUY THE BOOK!

What else???  WHAT ELSE???

Y’all – I’m at a dang loss.

BYE FOREVER!

BOURBON & PECAN ICED CREAM!

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Is everyone watching the Nate Berkus design show after the new Trading Spaces? Here’s the skinny – it’s just another home design show. It’s nothing to write Grandma about really, except Nate’s design partner is his huz Jeremiah Brent and this dude is ADORABLE.

Just look at this dude’s perfect hair.

UGH!

“Look at me! Some of my dang hair is real short and the rest is kind of long and the long bits are medium messy, but also not at all messy at the same time. And it’s parted with a cute little part. Aren’t I the CUTEST?”

Yes and I hate you.

Beyond the overwhelmingly cute face/hair combo, there’s the following;

1. He makes a lot of faces. Like Nate says something dumb or the homeowner says something insane, Jeremiah looks at the camera and mugs a little and even his mug face is cute.

2. He wears so many jackets and hats. And the hats are so stupid. All so so stupid. But he makes them all so cute.

What the fuck is this hat?

What are these hats??? What’s your hat budget????

This one again?

3. I have terrible allergies right now and my eyes are solid red and I sneeze holes right through my Kleenex. Like the tissues do NOTHING compared to my sneezes. And as I’m writing this blog about sweet angel baby Jeremiah, I sneezed like a pint of boogs right onto my arm. So, I’m just feeling like I’m not living my best life right now.

JEREMIAH – you’re making me feel bad about myself!

Ugh.

Anyway! It’s a medium show with a v handsome person in it and that’s really all this blog is about!

Re: the iced cream, I kind of beefed it this week, y’all. I think I underchurned it and popped it into the freezer before letting it get to full ice cream stage. So it looks weird.

Also – The recipe called for some salted, buttered, toasted pecans and I had the bright idea to add sugar and cinnamon to them and I think I burnt the pecans on accident. And I used them anyway!? Why??? The benadryl? Ugh. Maybe.

I will say that the bourbon is a real unexpected treat. My friend Leslie used to drink bourbon in college and I would drink a little bit with her BUT NOT TOO MUCH BECAUSE I WAS AN R.A. AND I WAS RESPONSIBLE. (Lol – I was an awful RA.). So – yeah – the bourbon flavor really takes me back to Leslie’s apartment in Evanston! Hi, Leslie!

Also – I feel like my ice cream photography stinks. Ice cream is hard to make and hard to photograph. I’m having major doubts about everything. MAJOR DOUBTS!!!!!

You hear that, Jeremiah? I think you’re contributing to my self-esteem spiral.

Ok everyone! I’m in bed now and jimmy and the dogs are snoring and it’s so hot in this bedroom and my nose is clamped up and so I’m mouth breathing tonight.

GOOD NIGHT!!!!

BUCKEYE STATE ICE CREAM!

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Hey y’all!

Well, my brains feel pretty tired this morning and I don’t have a lot to talk about!

I made the Jeni’s Buckeye State* ice cream yesterday and hooooo-weeee! It’s real real good! I used this honeyed peanut butter that I found at the Whole Foods. Woof! That’s good peanut butter!

Also – I’m getting the hang of it now, which excites me. It’s like make a corn starch/milk slurry. Cream up son cream cheese and salt. Boil milk, cream, corn syrup and sugar for 4 minutes. Add that slurry. Boil one more minute. Then, mix in in with the cream cheese and chill that shit in an ice bath for 30 min. Then – my fave part – the churning….

I made a video of the churning! I really love the churn, y’all!

Anyway – jimmy and I ran the Columbus quarter marathon yesterday and then I had some mimosas and then the ice cream and I made a mess of the kitchen. And then I went to see drag queens! And oh! I got an offer on my house and I’m real happy about that! And now it’s Sunday and I wish I was watching movies and eating ice cream, but I have to help my dad move some junk and I’m meeting my cousin to talk about wedding favors! Weeeeeeee!

And this was a lame post! I’m real sorry!

My brains!

*buckeye = peanut butter & chocolate, ok???

GORGONZOLA & GRAHAM CRACKER ICE CREAM!!!

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Hey y’all!

This is #4 on my ice cream journey. I know I’ve been playing it pretty safe with these flavors. Nothing too wild, no fruit flavors, no booze yet… but today was exciting because it was the first time I think I’ve ever had a Gorgonzola ice cream.

And honk my hooters – it’s fucking amazing.

Fist things first – I had about three glasses of wine this afternoon. Jimmy and I bought two sofas, a giant rug and a kitchen light fixture today and that put handsome back THOUSANDS of doll-hairs. Thank Christ for credit cards, amirite? So to celebrate, we went to the While Foods (more like Whole Paycheck, right ladies????) and cracked open a bottle of rosé. So I’m feeling loose as a goose!

Would you like to see one of the sofas???

Please note the man in the background – DOES NOT COME WITH THE SOFA!

Thank you, Cameron, for pointing him out….

This sofa is going in the flop room. And this sofa (in charcoal…) will go in the fireplace room….

Its a sectional!!!! I’m so excited!!!! They’re both sectionals and I’m so proud of myself – I’m 41 and have a maybe-someday husband and three sectionals. (Don’t ask about the third sectional. Jim bought it from a gypsy and it’s terrible and I don’t even want to talk about it.)

Anyway – I remembered at the Whole Foods that you can make ice cream with Gorgonzola cheese and so I bought some and then I made the ice cream when we got home and it’s so good and I’m supposed to bring it over to Rita’s tomorrow for dinner, but I might eat the whole thing tonight and I’m so sorry!

(I won’t eat it – I promise – I have a quarter marathon that I’m running on Saturday and I just need to control myself, ok????).

Anyway -this was page 46 of the first Jeni’s book! And also – by far the easiest ice cream I’ve made to date. THE EASIEST!

Ok! That’s all I have, y’all!

MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE: Salted Caramel Ice Cream + Homemade Ice Cream Cone!!!

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Jimmy and I have been full-on shacked up now for over 10 full weeks.  MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT!  As two dudes who have not had roommates for quite a long while, it’s pretty impressive that we’ve not murdered each other yet.  That said – he’s out for a quicko business trip this week and I am using the time to reorganize the kitchen cupboards and move his GrodyTown™ bedroom rug to the guest bedroom.

I’m also doubling up this week on my ice cream production.  Last night, I made my all-time favorite – Jeni’s Salted Caramel (pages 102 & 103 of the Jeni’s At Home book).  I was nervous to get it on because I didn’t want to fuck it up.

Well – I fucked it up.  BUT JUST A LITTLE!  Even with the little fuck-up, it’s still completely incredible.  The degree of difficulty on Salted Caramel is like a 9/10.  Not only do you have all of the same fiddly steps as a normal ice cream, but you also need to make a caramel, which is, in itself, a nightmare.  In the end, the caramel turned out just fine – it was my cream cheese that chunked out in the final product.

This is what eating my Salted Caramel sounds like: “oh! yay! this sure is delicious – but also – wait – what???  am i just chomping down on a cream cheese chunk for no reason?  I guess I am!  UNSETTLING!  Did a raccoon make this shit?”

I promise – I will figure this out.  This is really just my third real attempt at ice cream, so I’m still getting used to all of the steps and the things….  STOP JUDGING ME!

On a positive note, I also bought a waffle cone iron and now I’m making all of my own ice cream cones.  I’M MAKING ICE CREAM CONES!

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Y’all!  Making cones is so easy – it’s just like a pancake batter and then you burn the shit out of your hands and SHABLAM – you’ve got cones!

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Anyway – my dingus fiance gets home on Thursday and I can’t wait and that’s all I have going on in my dang life right now!