Some Awful Dates I’ve Had

Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi!

I just wanted a place for some of these stories because I like them and just want to remember them when I’m old and disgusting.  As I’ve mentioned in this blog post here, I was a late-in-life gay and came out in my 30s.  Obviously, I felt I had to make up for lost time and thankfully my big gay dating spree coincided with all the smart-phone dating apps.  A blessing and a curse, y’all!

Anyway – I very much would like to remember these stories for the rest of my days, so this is just me recording them for POSTERITY’S SAKE!

  • I dated a VERY HANDSOME guy for a few weeks who claimed to be in remission from rectal cancer.  He was maybe between jobs and didn’t have insurance and couldn’t afford his rectal cancer recovery medicine.  I was like “oh – let me give you $400 so you can get the medicine you need, babe!”  (He told me he would repay me when his unemployment checks came in.)  He was like “thanks” and then he moved with his other boyfriend to New Orleans and I never heard from him again.
  • I went on a date with a guy who was a manager of a tie-dye t-shirt factory!  We had a very quick dinner (about 20 minutes), during which time I learned all about tie-dying tshirts.  That’s it….
  • One of my very first dates ever was with a fella who lived with his sister.  The sister had mental problems and the guy took care of her.  He told me that he would get so overwhelmed with her that he would spend his nights screaming into a pillow.  On my way home from our first and only date, he called me to tell me that he didn’t want to see me again.
  • I was on a date with one dude and the bartender of the bar slipped me his number as we were leaving, which I found to be VERY EXCITING!  I set up a date with the bartender real quick – and then discovered that the bartender is like a ukulele player and he paints molecules on his face for his gigs.  Real nice guy – I just couldn’t get past the molecules….
  • There was the guy who worked at the zoo….  He lived in one of the Columbus suburbs and asked that we meet up at an Applebee’s on a Tuesday night.  APPLEBEE’S!  He was so incredibly boring.  I ended up burping in his face.
  • There was the college kid who worked at a grocery store bakery and made this cake (“Jack is groos”  – he misspelled “gross”).

  • Oh! And the guy with legal-blindness who only wanted to date me so I could drive him to bars so he could host trivia nights. His name was Darryl.
  • I forget this next guy’s name but it was something real WASPy like Christian Bensonham or something.  There were MANY things wrong with him, but as we were CANOODLING after several beverages, he recites the following poem that he makes up on the spot:

People.  Connections.  Experiences.   Humans.  Society.  

I obviously asked him to leave immediately.

  • And THEN! THEN – there was the guy  who was like “let’s go on a date on Labor Day Monday”.  We went to a bar and had some day-drinks – he ended up running into one of his former students and I got stuck talking to that dude’s girlfriend for a half hour.  THEN – he was like “do you want to go to the Oktoberfest thing happening at the fairgrounds?”  I was like “sure ok” and then sweated my nards off watching weiner dog races.  And THEN – he took me to a church basement for an Italian Festival, which was completely terrible.  AND THEN – he started getting sexy texts from other dudes whilst driving me around, which I caught because I was going through his phone!  AND THEN – when we got back to his place, he was like “hey – wanna make out for a little bit?”  And, I was like “yeah, sure….”  And that was the very first date I had with Jimmy, who I love so so so much, but man that was an awful first date….  And – here’s the only picture I took that day (at a booth at the Oktoberfest). He was trying to hold his beer out of the frame because I guess he didn’t want anyone to know that he drinks beer…..