#50: Grandma’s Classic AF Lemon Bars

Hi Team!

It’s late August now and all my friends are posting pictures of their kids’ first days of school. I am 100% ok with not having kids for SO MANY REASONS but every back-to-school season and Christmas, I get just a little bit sideways wondering how it might go down in if had some babies hanging around this dump.

I have some great names picked out – Cramson, Howard and Jugdish for my boys; Starla and Rosie for my girl squad. I’d obviously quit work to be a stay-at-home dad. I’d need to make sure these kids got up, teeth brushed, hair combed, whatever and then nutritious breakfasts. We’d walk to school EVERY MORNING RAIN OR SHINE. they would HATE IT – but this is all part of making them better people. (Note – find a house super close to a good school). Did I mention the delicious lunches I would pack these fuckers???!  Trust & believe – Capri Suns, turkey sandwiches and homemade lemon bars (recipe below).  I’d clean house and nap until it’s time to pick them up for all of their dumb after-school clubs. Astrology Club for Starla, Young Business Leaders for Cramson,  Krav Maga for Rosie & Jugdish. Howard just wants to hang out with me and draw pictures. Listen HOWARD, do whatever the fuck you want to do! I support your decisions! See what a great dad I am!?  Family Dinner & Games & Homework all before prayers & lights out. I’d run a tight fucking ship because these turds need structure and discipline!

That’s some great parenting, right???

But then I’ll see some little dickhead having a meltdown at a park or a restaurant and the fantasy is over. To those parents, I say – God bless.

Anyway here’s your dang recipe! It’s one of Grandma’s so I sure hope you like it! She says these are her all-time favorites!

Bottom Layer:

1 cuppa flour

1/4 cuppa powdered sugar

1/4 tsp baking powder

1 sticka cold butter

Line an 8″ x 8″ pan with parchy paper and get that oven heated to 350, trick.  Mix up these bottom layer ingredients until it’s like crumble-city and mash it into the pan.  You gotta bake this layer for about 15 min before you even THINK about the lemon layer.

Lemon Layer:

2 eggs

2 tbsp of gran sugar

The zesty gratings of 1 lemon + the juice of same said lemon.

I’ve been watching a lot of Great British Bake-Off on the youtubes lately and I’m 99% sure that what you’re making here is a lemon custard.  I could be wrong, but it just feels like after you mix this shit up – it’s like a total custard.  Pour your lemon custard mix on top of your pre-baked bottom layer and bake this shit still at 350 for another 22 minutes.

OK – I tried my dang best to use a stencil for powdered sugar faces on the finished lemon bars, but I fucked it up.  If you think you can get a stencil to work for you, make it happen.  Otherwise, just knock a bit of powdered sugar around on your lemon layer.  Cut and serve!!!

NOTE – I think there’s probably a few things that can be done here to jazz this shit up.  I actually added another egg, more sugar and more lemon to the lemon layer because I thought the whole thing was looking under-custarded.  I think you could probably go for a graham cracker layer as a bottom layer.  I would like to see what would happen if there was some strawberry in this shit.  Maybe I’ll revisit these lemon bars someday with some updates, but thought I would keep these as close to Grandma’s recipe as possible.

COOKIE SCORES:

Taste – These are straight-down-the-middle lemon bars.  So – 7!

Appearance – Not setting the world on fire with these, but they look how they’re supposed to and that’s pretty great – 7!


Here’s me and Rita visiting Gram on her 21st birthday! ❤️❤️❤️

4 thoughts on “#50: Grandma’s Classic AF Lemon Bars”

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