Hey! A Few Quick Things!

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It’s November 7 and here’s a few quick things:

  1.  Y’all – I’ve officially moved over to my NEW blog, which is right here….  imwritingacookbook.com.  Come over and hang out with me on the new site!  It’s verrrrrry much like this blog TBH.  There are cookie recipes – like THESE – Chicken & Waffle Macarons!  Wow!

And THESE – Tighty Whitey Ice Cream Sandwiches!  Neat!

And – there are Disney World treat reviews and Columbus Ohio’s best chocolate chip cookie lists and other COOL CONTENT!

2. I’d like to offer my sincerest apologies for all of the language and ideas shared on this blog.  I made some interesting choices.  I promise that the new blog is way more respectable.  Like, the kind of blog that you can share with your mom or your barista – WHOMEVER!

3. Has everyone finished the new Sabrina show yet on Netflix?  I finished episode 5 and just need to wrap up the next three.  I’ve just been real busy lately, OK?

4. I weighed myself this morning and the scale literally exploded.  Oh well!

5. Jimmy is great and the dogs are great and the house is great and thanks very much for reading this and getting caught up on my life.  I hope your life is great and you’re enjoying things on your end – and if you want to send me a note about your great life and recommendations for recipes or tv shows or fun weight loss transformation photos, please shoot them over to jvolpi76@gmail.com.

That’s it, y’all!  BYE!

FUDGE STRIPES & UNPOPULAR OPINION: HAMILTON SUCKS

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This weekend, jimmy and I went to Chicago. The main purpose of the trip was to visit his friend RANDY. I was like “oh. Ok. Well let’s go see the Hamilton while we’re there and we’ll go with RANDY and my v good friend Kathleen who you may remember from this photo:

We make gingerbread houses together and make up Hallmark Christmas movie ideas. This weekend we on-the-spot made up the plot of Snowball Snuggles, which is that one unimportant girl from Big Bang Theory, who is a single mom, and she takes her kids to Holly Junction, Montana for a white Christmas (her husband died like 2 years ago). She’s staying at a charm-balls lodge that is struggling to make ends meet, but helps out with the annual SNOW BALL which is a Christmas party obviously. She falls in love with a Christmas tree lumberjack played by the hunk from smallville. Anyway. They save the lodge and you get the rest….

BUT back to Hamilton. It sucked so hard.

If you’ve been under a fucking boulder for the last three years, you’ve missed three years of people losing their damn minds over this shit. It is literally three long ass hours of people rapping about history in a hot as fuck theater. Remember when Theo and Cockroach rapped about Julius Caesar on the Cosby show? It’s that, but so hot and so boring. Consider that ticket money flushed down a giant toilet.

Also this weekend, we took a boat tour and had some lovely meals including breakfast w BECKY DEDO, who you may remember from this photo:

And then that’s really it, y’all.

About those fudge stripes, I got the recipe from the Brave Tarts book and it is legitimately one of the best cookbooks I’ve ever read. These shits were so easy to make. I medium overbaked the cookie bits and didn’t temper my chocolate right, but if you close your eyes, you’ll think a dang Keebler elf made these fuckers. Will def make these shits again. I made these on Friday morning before we left and I can’t wait to get home so I can cram these shits into my mouth and take a nap.

BYE FOREVER!

Some Oatmeal Bars – and a quicko recap of our trip to MICHIGAN

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Hey team – it’s been a while since I’ve updated this dang blog!  Like over two weeks????  Sheesh!

SIDEBAR – did you know that Sheesh is actually the name of some Indian food?   I ordered it once when I was in Kansas City.  SHEESH!

OK – One of the reasons for the radio silence here is that two weekends ago, Jimmy, Jugdish, Enid and I went to Traverse City, Michigan to do the Paddles & Pints!  It’s this thing where you strap into a kayak and paddle through the bay and the canal to all these craft breweries.   A few things:

  1. We stayed in an AirBNB with a triangle window.  I mean – can you even believe?
  2. It was the Traverse City Film Festival that weekend and we ran into Doug Benson outside one of the hotels and I had a mini meltdown.  He’s this comedian who does movie review podcasts and they’re so funny!  HERE’S THE LINK! – LINK!
  3. The drive from Ohio to Traverse City took so long and I was so bored that at one point, I retold the entire story of Working Girl from beginning to end.  Such a good movie.  Remember when they went to the tropical wedding reception???  Liz? Beth? BITZY!!!!

4. Jimmy fell in love with one of the Paddles & Pints guides named Anthony who was maybe 22, had a mustache and was mos-def straight.  At one point, Jimmy offers to show Anthony his skateboard moves as a way to show his youthfulness and virility.  If only someone had a skateboard….  PS – this is how Jimmy looked (after several beers)

5.  Y’all – Traverse City is so cute and I just dang loved it!  And I’m really into kayaking now!  I’m so good at it!  THE BEST, really!

6.  When we got back, we went to the Danny O’Connor Election Night Party and had FREE PIZZA and stayed until about 10pm and then left.  As of right now, it’s still basically a tie with some ballots that need to be counted and I’m just really excited to see if bro-bro wins!  (Also – I’m excited for more free pizza election night parties – what a fun night!)

Is anyone still reading this bullplop?  Do you want to know about these Oatmeal Bars?  You know, this was really just an excuse to write this dumb blog about our Michigan vacation….  The recipe stunk.  Check back in a few days for a much better recipe situation!  I promise, it’ll be much better than this shit.

This was me in the car ride home from Michigan! WHAT A HUNK! 😍😍😍

Ohio / Buckeye Iced Cream Sandwiches

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Hey!

So many things are happening here that are real things!  Here’s a list!

  1. Cameron and I went to see hunky Henry Cavill and 56-year old bag of bones Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible last weekend.  It was the absolute dumbest.  Honestly – the only redeeming thing about it was Henry Cavill’s gorgeous face (and nothing else.  Seriously – he doesn’t even take his shirt off!  LAME!) 
  2. While we were waiting for the movie to start, Jeni from Jeni’s ice cream sits down like 4 seats that way 👉🏼👉🏼👉🏼👉🏼. Same aisle, same dumb movie.  I am paralyzed with fear about the whole situation and of course say nothing.  Hi Jeni!  Wasn’t that movie the worst?
  3. Yesterday was my friend Staci’s birthday!  Remember Staci from blog #3???  She and I rode motorized scooters around Columbus to celebrate and it was so fun.  (NOTE – we stopped and had a Jeni’s ice cream!)  Y’all these scooters are so fun and I can’t wait to scoot all over town!
  4. Speaking of scooters, our #2 dog Wrecko likes to scoot on the carpet.  He’s a scooting terrorist.  His new nickname is Scootin’ Putin.  DOES HE NEED HIS ANAL GLANDS SQUEEZED OUT?????  Jimmy thinks he might just have butt allergies.
  5. My friend Robert Mahar is on the new Making It Show with Amy Poehler and Nick Offerman.  Did you see the first episode???  Mahartsandcrafts won the first challenge (that’s my nickname for him.  His nickname for me is Crackerjack, which is real cute!)  Anyway – what about the guy with the black funeral wreath story???  YEESH!!!!!  Mom & Dad – I’m glad you guys aren’t dicks!  ANYWAY – watch this show!  It’s pretty good!!!!
  6. And is anyone else watching the Sharper Objects on HBO???  Amy Adams is a cutter and a boozer and she’s in her hometown reporting on some murders where the murderers pulls the teeth out of teenage girls.  GRIZZLY, RIGHT???  It’s a lot like that other HBO murder show with Matthew McConnaughay (spelling???) but with 100% more Patricia Clarkson acting like an asshole.
  7. Move over egg sandwiches!  The best new breakfast / lunch meal is SMOKED SALMON AND CREAMCHEESE ON A PLAIN BAGEL.  It’s the only thing I’m eating right now.

OK – that was a pretty great list.  Saveur – are you guys reading this shit?  Blog awards are coming up and I’m pulling out my A+ material here….  Remember Scootin’ Putin???  It’s about the same as Northwild Kitchen in terms of literary excellence.  (everyone, please buy the new Northwild Kitchen book.  Nevada Berg is the best.  Hi, Nevada!)

I had the idea for these ice cream sandwiches yesterday when I saw a picture of ice cream sandwiches and had this thought: “wouldn’t it be rad if the cookies were Ohio cookies?”

The iced cream here is the buckeye state ice cream that I made a few months ago.  LINK HERE.  And the cookies are just basic bitch cut-outs.  ANOTHER LINK, Y’ALL!  It took about 3.5 hours to make the cookies AND the iced cream.  Not too shabby!

NOTE 1 – when you do the cookies, cut out some of your Ohios (or whatever) the normal right way.  Then cut the same amount and flip them around to be the opposite way for baking.  This way – you get a sandwich with a top and a bottom that are both like normal.  DOES THIS MAKE SENSE????

NOTE 2 – When the iced cream was ready, I spread it in a brownie tray lined with plastic cling and froze that shit over night.  Then, this morning, I popped out of bed at 6am and used my same Ohio cookie cutter to cut out ice cream Ohios.  I did my sandwiches and then rewrapped the sandos in more cling for another freeze.  That’s how you make professional looking sandos, y’all!

Ugh – that’s all I have today.

Honey Florentines!

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Friday night, Rita and her huz The Skipper and I went to this weirdo farm up north to learn about bees! It was rad! There was a beautiful beekeeper named DAVE who was a real hippie type and he gave us a full bee education! Like bees aren’t animals – THE COLONY IS THE ANIMAL! Wut???? That’s a science fact, y’all!

He also said that todays American style honeybees aren’t even true Americans. They’re immigrants maybe from Africa! Back a long ass time ago, American settlers were like “we need honey over here. Let’s put some bees on a boat and ship those guys over so we can get HONEY!” And that’s when I came up with my next big movie idea called BEES ON A BOAT!!!! It’s going to star Leo DiCaps as a bee who fell asleep in his hive and whoops / now he’s on a boat to America. Kate Winslet is the queen and she’s like “paint me like your French whores”. Then they bone and his bee penis snaps off in her bee vagina (which is science) and that’s the end of the movie….

We all got to put on beekeeper hats and pull honeycombs out of the hives and for our bravery we all got eyepatches!?

ATTRACTIVE!

Then we took the combs into the hot as balls greenhouse to collect the honey!

Did y’all know that honey comes out of the bee mouth and wax comes out the pooper!??? I learned so so so much! At the end, everyone got their own mini bottle to take home which is why I was like “hey y’all! I’m gonna use this in a bake.”

So I found a recipe in the Martha Stewart book for something called Honey Florentines which I’ve never heard of before but they’re like a brandy snap – real thin, v much like is a werthers original and a communion wafer had a baby – that’s what these shits are like. I mean they’re more like a weird candy than a cookie, because they’re so sweet…. but what the fuck do I know????

Also this dang recipe wins the award for fewest and least amount of ingredients. Check this mammajam out:

3 tbsp honey

4 tbsp brown sugar

4 tbsp butter

4 tbsp flour

2 pinches, salt

Melt your honey, butter and brown sugs together until melted and then mix with the flour and salt. THEN! Use a dang 1/2 tsp to blop our mini blops on a parchy paper cookie sheet. These shits will spread so maybe only 6 blops per tray. MAYBE 8! Then bake these shits at 375 for about 5.5/6 min.

Then cool the trays on a wire rack and decorate with a melted choco and maybe some crunched nuts or whatever. I feel like these are not the kinds of cookies anyone would ever make in their right mind because they’re kind of stupid. But if you just want to celebrate your first honey harvest and impress Beekeeper Dave, give these shits a try.

I HAVE A HEADACHE AND I’M GOING TO TAKE A NAP NOW! BYEEEEEE!

Failed Babka & Mega-Millions!

Hi team!!!!

I was having a chat last week with MOLLY YEH, who is a famous tv star now. She was talking about choco babka fries and I was like pimiento/meat swirl babka and then she was all “I invented pimiento babka and it’s in THE BOOK”. Oh and she even did a dang video about it….

VIDEO LINK RIGHT HERE!!!

But – she didn’t invent MEAT SWIRL!

NOTE: MEAT SWIRL is definitely not kosher, which is probably why she didn’t invent it. NOT KOSHER! Sorry, y’all!

Anyway, it’s her recipe with a layer of prosciutto on the bottom under the mayonnaise.

Follow the rest of Molly’s instructions for the rest…. BUT – this is important – you either need a jumbo baking tin or you need to trim up about 1/8 of the dough before using a standard tin because you will definitely have DOUGHVERLOAD.

This was an in-the-oven pic here….. I saw this and panicked. You’re supposed to leave this in the oven for 35 min and check for doneness. But I took my mess out at 25 minutes and it was RAW AS FUCK inside.

I’m gonna try again so watch this space for an update. But yo. It the cooked bits were SO INSANELY GOOD!

All of this is just a set up for what I REALLY wanna talk about.

Y’all. I bought my first Mega Millions ticket tonight and the jackpot is $522M.

FIVE TWO TWO MILLION.

and I’ve got a real good feeling that I’m gonna win this bitch! So here’s how I’m gonna spend it:

1. I am gonna buy this car! MSRP is like $150k. 😤

2. I’m gonna go to dang MOROCCO and then PARIS. And I’m gonna taking cooking classes in Paris and I’m just gonna drink all the wine and hang out. That’s like 5 months.

3. And then I’m gonna go to dang MEXICO and then ITALY! And maybe MYKONOS so I can stay at that hotel with the pool in the balcony. That’s maybe another 5 months.

4. and then! Im gonna go to dumb Los Angeles for a month so I can sell BEEF COVEN to television executives! REMEMBER BEEF COVEN??? Maybe this is two months. That’s a full year! Just a full year of traveling!

5. How much money do I have left over? Is there enough for me to open up a bakery that’s open just when I feel like it? And to get my dang mom a ranch house so she doesn’t have to TAKE THE STAIRS TO DO HER DANG LAUNDRY???? And then I wanna stay in the princess suite at Didneyworlds with my idiot friend CLARENCE. A FULL WEEK.

6. Jimmy gets $50 and a nice lunch. He doesn’t like Didneyworld.

Anyway. I feel pretty confident that I’m gonna win because I’m due for a big win in my life. If I don’t, it’s fine – I’m going to Didney with Clarence and Enid and Jugdish in October. It’s gonna be fresh.

This is Clarence throwing me through her window a few years ago. I LOVE YOU, CLARENCE.

COOKBOOK REVIEW: Zac Posen’s Fucking Awful Cookbook

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Last Christmas, my friend Cameron gave me the Zac Posen cookbook as a joke. We watch the project runway religiously together and we share a mutual disgust of Zac Posen. He comes off as a real smug dandy who thinks he’s just so clever, BUT HE WILL NEVER BE MICHAEL KORS. NEVER!!!!!!!!

Anyway I nearly shit my pants when I found out that fucking Zac Posen wrote a cookbook for some reason. I’d like to share with you now some thoughts about the ridiculousness of the Zac Posen cookbook.

First – so many pictures of Zac Posen in the cookbook in case you want to see what he looks like wearing a variety of dumb hats.

Here’s one of him looking at some dirt

Powerful….

and here’s one of him next to a croque en bouche, which I guarantee he did not make.

And here he is in a boat holding a white circle and his neck is like “I give up… BYE FOREVER”.

The reason these pictures make me so angry is because there are so many recipes in the book that don’t get photos at all. I would’ve really liked to see a picture of the Pfefferneuse cookies but I get like 15 pictures of Zac Posen’s dumb face. I KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE ALREADY!

Here’s one of the recipes that did get a photo…

THESE ASPARAGUSES LOOK LIKE DONGS!!!!!!!

DONGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There’s no doubt in my mind that Zac maybe helped with like six of these recipes and all of the others were created by his helper Rachel. I’m sure he had to review and approve them all to make sure they met his snooty high standards. I just don’t trust this dude. One of my cookbook recipes is definitely going to be called Handful of Reece’s Pieces.

Anyway, I found a recipe that actually sounded interesting and I gave it a go…. it was his walnut and butterscotch cookies. (Another recipe without a photo…)

But here’s the deal. I didn’t have enough flour for a full batch so I had to wing it a little on the half batch measurements. And I didn’t have walnuts so I subbed in toasted sesame seeds for kind of a benne wafer deal. NOTE – in South Carolina, benne wafers are just sesame seed cookies and it’s kind of a big deal there. Anyway, I modified Zac Posen’s recipe kind of more than i expected but fuck it. My benne wafers are delicious and here’s your dumb recipe.

1 cup (give or take) sesame seeds – toast them in a 350 degree oven for about 4-5 min. Maybe less. Definitely not longer.

1/2 stick butter

1 cup, brown sugar

1 egg

Just under 2/3 cup flour

~1/4 tsp sat

~2/3 tsp baking powder

Mix all this shit together and roll the dough into a log and then freeze said log for about 2 hours. Slice thin slices and bake those fuckers for about 6 minutes.

Note 1 – these shits will spread so space them out on your tray

Note 2 – my oven is real real powerful and can’t be trusted with cook times anymore. Just eyeball your shits to see when they turn golden brown.

Note 3 – the dough will be delicious but do not eat raw dough. You will have so many farts the next day.

Note 4 – with all my fix-ups to this recipe, you know what that means…..

Zac – this is how you take a cookbook photo…..

White Choco / Peanut Butter Pop-Tart Situations

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LEVEL-SETTING – I’m 41.5 years old.  And, generally speaking, I think I’m medium attractive.  I know I’m not ever going to reach Henry Cavill levels of attractiveness ever in my dumb life, but I’m also not a walking goat anus either.  I’ve been mistaken for a Fat Ben Affleck AND Ben Affleck’s dad, both pretty flattering and accurate compliments.

But – just over the last few weeks, I’ve noticed some CHANGES.

  1. I have a toenail that looks less like a toenail and more like a Frito Scoop.
  2. I slept on my neck weird and it made my arm tingle and I thought I might’ve had a heart attack so now I take fish oil pills JUST IN CASE.  (ps my blood pressure is in the normal range.  My dentist just took my blood pressure and she said IT’S NORMAL)
  3. I’ve mentioned this before, but it bears repeating – I have WHITE CHEST HAIR.
  4. I got my head hair cut last weekend and the barber showed me the back of my head in a mirror and it was like I have only 7 hairs left back there.  Like – where is the rest of the back-of-the-head hair????  And why is it all GRAY???
  5. Don’t even get me started on the back / shoulder hair….

I just posted a selfie on Instagram to try to gauge my attractiveness.  I feel like previous selfies have had a lot more “you’re an Adonis” comments, “will you please be my boyfriend?” proposals and comparisons to Ben Affleck’s relatives. But I’m feeling like I’m just so old these days.  Thank god I suckered Jimmy into being my boyfriend when I still had some semblance of “it goin on”.

So – yes – I’m on fish oil pills now.  And I’ve started on a hair thickening shampoo & scalp rejuvenation program.  I’ve scheduled an appt with my doctor for a full physical, which will include toenail analysis.  And, I’m at the gym almost every dang day now trying to eliminate early-onset jowls. JOWL EXERCISES!!!!

I’m just in a dang funk now because I’m only going to get older and older and more irrelevant than ever.

Here’s this dumb recipe….

ok. Just buy some pie dough and roll it out into a real thin layer. Then get some peanut butter and some white choco chips. Melt the chips (about 1 cup) and mix with 1 cup of the PB. Cut rectangles of the dough and blop on some of the PB junk in the middle. Cover the bottom rectangle with a top rectangle and crimp down the sides with a fork. Use the same fork to poke in air holes on the top of each guy. Find an egg and scramble it and then do an egg wash on the tops of the fork-holed tops. Bake these shits on 425 for about 15 min but eyeball them in the oven for doneness – OK?????

Alright – I used the MOLLY YEH choco glaze recipe, but GUESS WHAT. If you use her dang recipe, there’s only 2 TB of milk, but you really need 4. MOLLY – FIX YOUR RECIPE!!!!!

Truth be told this is all a variation on the Molly Yeh recipe. Have y’all seen her show yet??? UGH! 💕💕💕🥊

RECIPE LINK

So, I blipped on some choco glaze and then put a little cut out cookie on top of that and shit bro it looks so good!!!!

GUEST BLOG! Gobbler Cobbler – from RITA VOLPI!

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As you know, I’m trying some new content for this dusty old blog, including GUEST BLOGGERS.  This first guest blog is from my dang sister, RITA!  She’s five years older than your hero (me) and she lives in Columbus with her two dogs and her weirdo husband THE SKIPPER.  She also has her own blog that she just started not long ago called FOX & COMPASS.

Hi new friends! I’m Rita – Jack’s sister. He asked me to guest blog for him
& I have to say I’m pretty excited and kind of nervous all at the same time.
My jam is more travel than baking but they can intersect – kinda like a rad
Venn diagram.


It’s the first week of July & people are all about Independence Day. The
parades, the fireworks, the flag shirts (dad pic below).

I love how people get really into their favorite holidays.
This girl I used to work with was really into Groundhog’s Day. Her family
created a club for the holiday – the Fraternal Order of Groundhogs (or
F.O.G.). They’d celebrate by doing skits, betting on the weather prediction &
chanting “FOG, FOG, FOG”. I secretly hoped that she would invite me to be
an honorary member and I made these logos just in case:

No automatic alt text available.

My love for the holiday only grew when Jack suggested that we visit
Punxatawney PA so many years ago. We went the weekend before February 2 and honestly, it’s the best time to go. The town is gearing up for the holiday, but the swarms
of tourists & Bill Murray nerds haven’t quite arrived. Here’s the must dos:
– Learn about the Inner Circle. Its a club of weirdos who host the big
prediction reveal  & “handle” Phil. They hang out in top hats and give
themselves nicknames, like Stump Master & Big Flake Maker. (insert
link here)
– Get some merch – specifically a homemade hat with a groundhog on
it. Our B&B hostess had a side hustle as a hat maker and we had a
closet to choose from.
(LINK)


– Go to breakfast with Phil. Hosted in a school gym, there are
pancakes, a piñata and pictures with the Phil. (ANOTHER LINK!)

In honor of Gobblers Knob – the place where Phil reveals his weather
forecast (oh god – one more link!) – I give you this cobbler recipe (you know, because of the rhyming). I made it for an Independence Day cookout and it was really fucking good. The end.
Ingredients
 2 cups sliced peaches (basically 5 big peaches)
 2 Tablespoons + 1 cup granulated + 2 tablespoons sugar, divided
 ½ cup butter, softened
 1 cup all-purpose flour
 1 teaspoon baking powder
 a pinch of salt
 a pinch + ¼ teaspoon nutmeg, divided
 1 large egg

 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
 1 cup heavy cream
 1 teaspoon cinnamon

Cobbler:
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease a 2 quart baking dish with non-
stick spray.
2. Spread sliced peaches out in a single layer in prepared dish. Sprinkle
tops of peaches with 2 Tablespoons sugar.
3. In a medium bowl, with an electric hand-mixer, beat 1 cup sugar and
softened butter together until combined. Add flour, baking powder, salt
(and nutmeg if using). Mix. Then add in egg and vanilla. Continue to beat
and mix together until just combined. (Batter will be the consistency of
cookie dough batter.)
4. Using a spatula, carefully spread batter over the tops of peaches. Trying
to spread out as evenly as you can and covering most of the peaches. (I
use my hands to help spread it too.)
5. Bake in preheated oven for 35 to 40 minutes or until crust is golden
brown. Remove from oven and let stand 5 to 10 minutes before serving.
Enjoy with vanilla ice cream or whipped cream!
Whipped Cream: Whip 1 cup heavy cream until soft peaks form. Add 2 tablespoons
sugar, 1 teaspoon cinnamon, and 1/4 teaspoon nutmeg. Beat until stiff peaks form.

Credits:
https://sweets.seriouseats.com/2012/11/how-to-make-flavored-whipped-
cream.html
https://life-in-the-lofthouse.com/best-peach-cobbler/

TV Show Idea: BEEF COVEN

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I came up with a new TV show – maybe it’s Nutflicks original….  It’s called BEEF COVEN.  It’s the story of a coven of very attractive gay male witches, who meat (sorry – “meet”) in Provincetown.  There are lots of magic spells but also lots of steamy make-outs.  Here’s a quick run-down of the main characters:

Jack (our hero) – the most handsomest gay in town – he owns a cookie bakery and all the beefs in town want a real piece of him.  Will he find love?  MAYBE!

Jimmy – a silver fox who’s new in town.  Wow is he handsome, but also a medium dickhead sometimes (a Satanist?).  He’s a powerful warlock that would have some magic spells up his sleeves – but he only wears tanktops.

Tomas – Jack’s roommate and a Portuguese sailing instructor.  This guy likes to skateboard around and work out and does a few spells here and there, but he’s just real nice and likes to make hamburgers in his underpants.

Raja – the winner of Rupaul’s Drag Race Season 3.  In drag, she’s a bomb-ass queen with all the fashions who does a one-woman show every summer.  Out of drag, he’s a man-witch.  He and Tomas sometimes make out.

Orko – the gay ghost magician from He-Man.  He’s there for some reason.  Probably one of Jimmy’s dingus friends….  He’ll get vanquished to a different dimension after that third episode because he’s really annoying.

Charlie – a super smokin hot gay witch from another gay bakery down the street (can we get Donald Glover for this???).  He’s in the coven, but barely….  A real steamy tension here….

The Framingham Coven – this is the lesbian coven from Framingham and they’re always trying to stir up trouble for our heroes.

OK – here are some potential story lines:

  • Episode 1 – Jack & Jimmy meet.  Jimmy wants to be Jack’s boyfriend SO BAD, but Jack is just like “maybe…..”  Jim tries to cast a love spell on him, but Jack’s magic is so powerful that it doesn’t even work.  Jim is forlorn.  Jack makes some incredible snickerdoodles and there’s a cooking demonstration in the middle of the show.
  • Jack’s Origin Story – how did he get to know he was a man-witch?  Where did he get his baking skills?  How did he and Tomas meet?  Did they make out?  Yep – a little bit!  What is Tomas hiding????  We’ll find out!!!!  Jack also demonstrates how to make chorizo & cheeso hi-pies.
  • Bear Week – some beefed up bears roll in to P-Town for all the tea-dances and sweaty BBQs.  A new handsome bear wants to take Jack on a date – and Jim gets so jealous and angry.  Jack decides he’d like to date Jim instead of the bear.  And for their date, Jack demonstrates a recipe for bear-ownies.  Orko is vanquished.
  • What a Drag – Raja gets a bad case of witch-flu and is worried that she’ll miss out on a very important drag event.  Jack, Jimmy and Tomas step up and put on their own drag show and it’s awful, but they hypnotize the audience to give them all the tips.  Jack and Raja make a very sensible soup recipe together.
  • Charlie Makes a Move – It’s time for the annual Provincetown bake-off.  Jack and Charlie have competing cakes and Jack obviously wins.  (Jack shows how to make the cake in a shirtless baking demo). Charlie decides that he needs to make Jack his lover.  Will he or won’t he?  Who fucking knows?
  • Covens & Ovens – Jack’s oven breaks down and he needs to raise money fast.  The Beef Coven gets together and they give themselves all incredible break-dance moves (get it – break downs / break dance???)  so they can enter the local dance contest and win.  (the other dance crew is the lesbian coven from Framingham.)  Jack makes a no-bake situation because the oven is on the fritz.
  • Where’s Tomas?  At the end of Covens & Ovens, we see Tomas leaving P-Town with the Framingham Coven.  What the fuck????  We learn the truth about Tomas and all becomes revealed….  It’s a very emotional episode.  Jack shows the guys how to make sangria!
  • HALLOWEEN PARTY.  Jim is tired of Jack’s DEVIL-may-care attitude to their relationship.  He’s ready to take things to the NEXT LEVEL.  He summons Satan for advice.  Satan doesn’t show up, because he doesn’t give a shit, so Jimmy has to figure it out on his own.  Jack makes a Devil’s Food Cake for the big Halloween Party.
  • Orko’s Return.  Orko comes back from his dimension, but is now a very handsome man and not at all annoying.  Handsomer than Jimmy and Donald Glover put together.  Jack is thrown for a fucking loop, y’all.  Who does he choose? Jack makes some macarons, which are a fucking bitch to make.
  •   Season 1 Finale – A Sexy Nor’Easter.  It’s right before the big Christmas party, but a sexy Nor’Easter is threatening to demolish Provincetown.  The Coven needs to come together, despite all of their differences to push the Nor’Easter away.  (I should mention that the Nor’Easter is a winter-demon played by Bradley Cooper’s father.)  Orko sacrifices himself to save everyone but Jack is like “woof – thanks, bro.  This love triangle was getting messy!”  Jack makes a gingerbread house.

Oh – what’s that? You’re hungry for more??? Here are some more show ideas for Season 2:

  • Queer Eye Cross-Over – Demon Makeover
  • Charlie Gets Cloned
  • A Coven Divided
  • Whose Underwear Is This?
  • Softball Tournament Gets Ugly
  • The Arrival of Forko – Orko’s Evil Twin
  • The Bakery Burns Down!
  • Explosion at The Dick Dock
  • Lobster Shortage
  • Road Trip to Salem
  • Forko Gets Forked

Does anyone know anyone at Nutflicks????? I can’t wait to quit my job and work on this show full time!