#112: FRENCH TOAST & BACON MACARONS!!!!

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In the Pacific Northwest, in a small logging village, there lived a handsome lumberjack named Gordon Thomson. He lived alone in a cabin next to the river and he fished and played a harmonica and punched bears in he face. He was a really good logger. He did all his tree felling in the morning hours and tended his saplings in the afternoon hours and he barged his lumber logs on weekends. Those logs would fetch him so much money from the log dealers in town, he could afford to send checks home to his parents so they could go to Red Lobster whenever they wanted.

After a few years of the loggin life, Gordon thought that maybe he needed some help to keep up with the log orders. He went to town and put an ad in the local paper. It said “I need help with my logs. Sincerely, Gordon Thomson”.

You should’ve seen how many applicants showed up at Gordon’s cabin the next day! Every young lumberjack within a 50 mile radius was lined up, ax in hand! Gordon looked at the first guy in line and reasoned that certainly if the guy was first in line, he must’ve wanted the job the most. So, he called the first guy in and sent the others home.

That first guy was a quiet, but maybe also very attractive (?) young man named Dick Nickles.

Dick Nickles filled out his I-9 and his direct deposit information and then the two be-bearded lumberjacks hit the lumber fields to start jackin. (Lumber jackin!)

Gordon and Dick worked side by side for a solid three hours when they realized that they were in love with each other. They couldn’t focus on the trees they were axing, just each other’s hot flanneled bodies. So, they decided to go back to the cabin and make out. So much passion! They were really in love with each other!!!! They decided that afternoon that they would be common law husbands and would be lumberjacks for as long as they could.

And on the coldest winter Pacific Northwest nights, if you put your ear up to a giant pine tree, you can still hear Gordon whisper his lover’s name in a beautiful husky man voice….

DIIIIIIIIIIICK NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICKLES

Anyway – I made some French toast and bacon macaroons today. I found the macaron recipe here (that’s a recipe link). A few notes:

1. The recipe comes from another blog that was a Saveur baking blog finalist. We both lost to THALIA HO!

2. I obv didn’t do this babe’s ganache. I made a maple buttercream and I used this bourbon maple syrup that Rita brought over a few weeks ago. It’s so good, y’all! (Just google maple buttercream!)

3. I also added the bacon which I think makes the whole situation a complete 100%. The salt from the bacon cuts the sweetness of the buttercream and adds a crunch. ooooooo – CARUNCH!

4. Fuuuuuck – these macarons are fiddly. You have to weigh the ingredients and it’s so annoying. It’s egg white and powdered sugar and a weird syrup and the whole kitchen is a crime scene now. 😑😑😑 BUT – fuck! These are the best macarons I’ve ever made in my whole dang cookie-baking career!

Ok that’s all there is tonight! Hope y’all have a blessed Sunday!

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#111: BBQ Chip / Choco Sammies

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As I mentioned in the last bloggo – I’m getting ready to sell my dumb house and I need to get rid of so much kitchen shit and I’m just overall so stressed out and feeling more like a disaster of a human person than normal and so that’s why I thought it was a good idea to do a little baking last night.  I wish I was doing some marijuana “baking” because maybe that would reduce the stress by a million, but I don’t have any!

  1. I’m not one of those people that drug-doer types are like “oh yeah – I bet he’s a lot of fun stoned.  Let’s ask him if he wants to blaze up with us”.  I just don’t have that drug-doing vibe, y’all!
  2. The few times I was able to “score drugs” (i.e. marijuana and nothing ever more than that, I swear) – I would not be able to inhale correctly to make the drugs work.  I can never figure out how to light the pipe right, y’all!  It’s tricky, because you’re lighting from upside-down and you burn your fingers and it’s all just too complicated.
  3. There was JUST ONE TIME when I was in college that I think I got a marijuana situation to work for me.  Details are hazy, but I remember watching The Lion King with Greg Schmals and Kate Gibson and freaking out by the colors happening during the “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King” song.  See for yourself – TOO MANY COLORS!  I ran across campus to the Kappa Sigma frat house and hid in the basement for about an hour.

Anyway – I’m not opposed to 420ing up again, but I just wish there was like a class I could take on proper bong use or maybe I could just get some spliffs….  Anyone have some spliffs???  Email me! Just don’t lace your spliffs with angel dust or black-tar heroin.  I really don’t think I could handle that….

Until I can get my hands on some DRUGS, I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing.  And this week it’s choco sandwich cookies with BBQ chips in them – killer treats for when you get the munchies, RIGHT?

HERE’S YOUR DANG RECIPE

1-1/4 stick of soft as shit butter

1 cup gran sugar

1/2 of 3/4 cup of cocoa powder (I use the Hershey Special Dark cocoa – NOTE: oh yes I did mean half of 3/4 cup.  I’m halving a recipe that uses 3/4 cup because who needs more than 20 cookies in a batch?  Not this guy! (me))

1 egg

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp salt

1/2 tsp espresso powder

1 cup flour

Plop small balls on to your cookie trays and bake these shits for about 12 min at 350. When they come out the oven, they will have little dome tops, which I fucking hate.  I like flat tops.  So, press the dome tops down with a spatula during the cooling process.

I made a choco buttercream filling, which is just a vanilla cream with cocoa powder mixed in.  And then BBQ chips – I like the Miss Vickie’s smokehouse BBQ chips best, but you can do whatever the fuck you want here. Use pretzels, use Fritos, use corn nuts.  WHATEVER.

And since the theme of this blog is POT, I suppose you could probably put some weed in these cookies and make little pot cookies.  I wouldn’t know about that because I’m too much of a square to even know where to get the drugs.  Call me if you have some and we’ll give pot cookies a go sometime in the future.  I hope I don’t get arrested for talking about drugs!  Don’t tell the police, please!  Thanks!

#110: Choco Chunk Shortbread Hearts

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BIG NEWS!!!

Jimmy and I are buying a house! THIS HOUSE!

There’s not a whole lot to say other than I’m hugely excited and overwhelmed. I obviously need to sell my house now and that’s got me all bejambled. A stager came over on Thursday to help me get started thinking about the listing photographs and the showings. Long story short – all of my possessions are garbage and need to be burned immediately.

So I need to get rid of everything including all my baking shit so I’m just gonna bake my nards off the next few weeks. First up – these choco chunk shortbreads which are pretty popular on the internet these days.

And now I need to go to the gym and get some running done – because Homeboy has been eating his feelings lately.

#109: OLYMPIC MEDAL COOKIES

Hey y’all

It’s Olympics time again and I am TRYING my hardest to be interested.  I’m definitely more interested in a Winter Olympic moment than Summer because I just like Winter things better – and that’s just my PERSONAL PREFERENCE.

Like every other gay my age, I was strapped to the TV back in 1994 because of the Nancy Kerrigan / Tonya Harding situation.  And here’s the tea – I didn’t give two hoots about either one of them when it came time for their event.  Not even ONE HOOT.  Because – if you recall – this was also the year of SURYA BONALY.

Oh – who the fuck is Surya Bonaly?  Did you really just think that thought?  Oh – well let me just remind you – she’s the one with the MOTHERFUCKING BACK FLIPS!

BACK FLIPS

ICE SKATING BACK FLIPS!!!!!

So – I sure did see that I, Tonya movie and I thought it was just OK.  I didn’t love it, really – it was just pretty medium – like a woman named Linda who sells office bookshelves (this is a real person – her name is Just OK Linda.  CLARE – Remember???).  So – this is what Just OK Linda would look like as a movie.  JUST OK.

The thing I hated about it is there was no mention of the fucking back flips in the whole fucking movie.  There was barely a mention of Oksana Baiul, who won the g-d gold medal!  And – I think there was maybe a half-second where they showed a maybe-Surya skating by in the background.  Don’t you think that if there were back flips happening at the Lillehammer Olympics, you should find a way to put some of them in the dang movie???  SHIT, BRO!

Anyway – it’s Olympics time and I’m watching (mostly to see if Gus Kenworthy takes his pants off ever) – and to show my support, I made some Olympic medal cookies.  As I mentioned on my Facepage earlier this week, I dropped my phone and destroyed it on my way into the cookie sprinkle store – these were the cookies I was planning on making when that happened!  And, to add insult to injury, they didn’t even have BRONZE SPRINKLES.  What the actual fuck?  WHY ME?  Why do bad things happen to good people (me)????

I tried to replicate bronze sprinkles by mixing together silver and gold and black and purple and yellow – and it looked like fucking garbage.  This got me thinking that the bronze medal is actually a slap in the fucking face.  BRONZE?  Fuck that shit.  If I won third place, I’d be pissed – but maybe my shit feelings would be reduced if my medal was rainbow instead of bronze????  Maybe – I might just shoot for third, instead of 1st???  3rd place is where it’s at, y’all – RAINBOW MEDAL!  Who’s with me?  Anyone?

OK – that’s all I have today!

#108: fucking great brownies, y’all

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Quick story – I was walking into the cookie sprinkle store last night, slipped on some ice and dropped my phone.  (I was in the middle of texting Clare about a trip to Prague that we may or may not be taking in September.  STAY TUNED!)  Anyway – the phone fell and is now completely destroyed.

MY PHONE!

Oh my god – I’m devastated!  MY PHONE is my everything, y’all!  It’s what I look at right before bed and first thing in the morning.  I keep all of my business ideas in the Notepad and have so many photos and texts saved on it.  IF YOU MUST KNOW, it’s how I met Jimmy – and basically how we fell in love.  It’s ridiculous, but losing my phone is really a giant disaster and I hate not having it here right now as I type up this lame blog.

I’m getting a new one later today, but I’ve been without my phone for about 8 waking hours now and I’m swirling the poop-drain.

(PS – I got the sprinkles, but I could only find two of the colors I needed.  I couldn’t find the third color and that’s ANOTHER OF MY VERY SERIOUS FIRST WORLD PRIVILEGED WHITE MAN PROBLEMS!  #thoughtsandprayers).

Honestly – it feels good to express these emotions.  I can’t keep my feelings bottled up anymore!!!  (This reminds me of a very good joke that Christopher Walken once told: Imagine we’re in a bar.  What’s the difference between the place we’re in right now and an elephant’s fart?

One’s a bar-room.  The other’s a BAROOOOOOOOMMM!)

I love that joke and I love YOU for reading this blog.  Oh – I also love brownies.  I made some brownies on Sunday for dinner at my sister’s house and guess what….  THEY WERE DELICIOUS.

Here’s your dumb recipe.

4 eggs

1-1/4 cup dark cocoa

1 tsp espresso powder

I tsp salt

1 tsp baking powder

1 tsp vanilla

2 sticks butter

2-1/4 cups gran sugar

1-1/4 cup flour

Ok y’all! This one is fun to make. I SWEAR!

Find a mixer and mix up the eggs, cocoa powder, espresso powder, baking powder (so many powders) vanilla and salt. I like dark cocoa powder, champ – because regular cocoa is for idiotburgers. Also – try a kosher salt or a sea salt – I bet it’s way better with a chunkier salt crystal.

While this is happening, melt your butter and sugar until butter is melted and sugar is dissolved. Pour your hot sugary butter mix into the egg/cocoa situation and mix for like another minute. Then mix in the flour. Honestly – this takes maybe about 10 minutes total from start to finish. TEN FUCKING MINUTES!

Dig out your 9×13 pan and get that shit greased up and maybe also put in a greased up sheet of parchy paper. Spread in your brownie batter and cook that shit for 30-35 min at 350.

Cool these completely before your cut and frost.

While your shits are baking / cooling, make a simple baileys Irishbutter cream frosting. It’s like a half stick butter, a cup? of powdered sugar (I’ve given up measuring), two splashes of milk and maybe a splash and a half of baileys.

Aw shit! These are so fucking good, y’all!

#107: Snickerdoodle Sammies

Hey y’all.

Real talk – I’ve had three wines.

I met my friend Keri for some beverages and a meat board and now I’m writing a blog!  So, get excited for some nonsense, y’all!

Ernest Hemingway may or may not have said sometime in his weird life the following: Write drunk, edit sober.

Listen – I’m writing and editing about 4 sheets to the wind and IT IS LIBERATING.

First off – this weekend was pretty medium.  It started out as a barf bag, but then I got to spend some time with Jimmy’s family and they’re all so perfect and beautiful and just a bunch of Linda Evangelistas and they stoned their tights and their smiles are beautiful.

Sorry – I fell into an Aja k-hole for a second….

Speaking of – did y’all watch RUPAUL ALL STAR 3?  Holy moses, smell the roses, that was such a good show.  Listen – I know I’m supposed to be really rooting hard for Trixie, but she comes across as just a smidge entitled – at least in the first episode.  After show #1, I’m more inclined to be for Aja or Ben Delacreme.  That Anaconda lip sync was SO GOOD!

And, I really have NOT been all that interested in Milk, but jeezy petes, he is real real handsome out of drag.  REAL HANDSOME.

(photo of Milk as a boy here….)

All right – should we talk about cookies?  Is anyone really just interested in recipes and not the dumb stories that go along with these blogs?  If you’re just into the cookies – hey, I’m sorry.  I like the story parts.  I think it really adds just a whole lot of extra context for what’s happening in my dumb life.

So – I made some snickerdoodles over the weekend.  You know how just about every fucking snickerdoodle recipe calls for cream of tartar and your cookies end up tasting metallic?  I always thought that the metal cream of tartar taste was just part of a snickerdoodle.  Well…..  cream of tartar is just a dumb rising agent and you can use like so many other things to get your cookies to rise.  Baking soda, baking powder, egg whites.  Those are at least three other rising agents RIGHT THERE.  And I am telling you (!!!) that cream of tartar is fucking bullshit.  Throw it away!  It’s terrible.   Here’s maybe my favorite ever tartar-less snickerdoodle recipe and it’ll put a tingle in your dingle.  A DINGLE TINGLE!

INGREEEEEEDIENCE:

2 sticks of room temp butter

1-1/4 cups of gran sugar

1/4 cup brown sugar

2 eggs

2-3/4 cups flour

2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

1 tsp cinnamon

Ok – just mix this shit together.  I did my wets first and then added my drys.  Your dough will be kind of sticky and clammy – like your neighbor’s face if your neighbor has the flu and has a sticky face.  Chill your dough so it just perks up a little.

While your clammy dough is perking up, make a cinnamon sugar.  It’s like 3 tbsp of gran sugar and 2 tsp of cinnamon.  This will only take about two minutes and your dough needs to chill for another 28 minutes.  So – find a Sudooku and just work on that for a while – or do a load of laundry.  WHATEVER.  Just wait until your dough has perked up.  Once you have a nice perky dough, roll out some balls and plop those shits on a baking tray.  Bake em up for about 9 – 10 min at 350.

HO-LEEEE SHIT.  These are some of the moistest and dreamiest snickerdoodles you’ll ever have in your life, champ!  NO JOKE – I think this is my new go-to recipe for dreamy snickerdoodles.  Did I mention that there’s no cream of tartar????  FUCK THAT SHIT!

OK – so I made sorta small balls because I wanted to make tiny little sandwich fuckers.  Alls I did was made a vanilla buttercream, but instead of vanilla, I added Kahlua.  KAHLUA!!!!!  It just makes your dreamy snickerdoodles like 100% more perfect.

My idiot friend Cameron doesn’t like cinnamon, which means he’ll never know how great these are.  He’s such a Morgan McMichaels – just really missing out on so much.  Poor poor Cameron.

Anyway – I’ve said too much – I’VE SAID TOO MUCH!

BYE FOREVER!  (still medium drunk)

#106: Oliver’s Swimtrunks

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If y’all haven’t seen that Call Me By Your Name movie yet or just plain don’t want to see it, I’M SORRY! I saw it a few weeks ago and I obviously loved it and have been just thinking about it every dang day! 

If you’re unaware of this gem of a movie, it’s Italy – 1983! A hunky grad student spends 6 weeks with a professor and his family doing whatever. There’s volleyball and bicycles and dancing and reading books and then just casually flirting with just about everyone. Hunky grad student and old-soul 17 year old son then just fall in love!  It’s real like “wow” and “ok!” and “jeezy petes!” and then “I sure did see that coming!”

The peach scene has really been getting all of the attention, but what about when Elio puts Oliver’s swimtrunks on this head????

That was a sweet, funny little moment! He was like “wow! I sure do like this guy! I wonder what his swimtrunks would feel like on my head!”  We’ve all been there before, RIGHT????

Anyway! 


(Sidebar – my friend Cameron had this cookie cutter made of my face for Christmas. I love it, but starting to think I have early-onset jowls!  

How cute is this little video????)

It is the exact opposite of summer in Italy here. Winter in Columbus is cold and gross and I secretly love it because it’s just a built-in reason to stay home and do NOTHING! 

I did come up with a new business idea called Porks & Sporks!  It’s a bbq restaurant and it’s pulled pork mac & cheese and baked beans and so many slaws and CORNBREAD!  Get sporked! 

So I have to get going now! I need to shovel the driveway and go for a run and then pack up and head to the Cleve to see my hunky 50 year old weirdo fiancé!