Hey! A Few Quick Things!

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It’s November 7 and here’s a few quick things:

  1.  Y’all – I’ve officially moved over to my NEW blog, which is right here….  imwritingacookbook.com.  Come over and hang out with me on the new site!  It’s verrrrrry much like this blog TBH.  There are cookie recipes – like THESE – Chicken & Waffle Macarons!  Wow!

And THESE – Tighty Whitey Ice Cream Sandwiches!  Neat!

And – there are Disney World treat reviews and Columbus Ohio’s best chocolate chip cookie lists and other COOL CONTENT!

2. I’d like to offer my sincerest apologies for all of the language and ideas shared on this blog.  I made some interesting choices.  I promise that the new blog is way more respectable.  Like, the kind of blog that you can share with your mom or your barista – WHOMEVER!

3. Has everyone finished the new Sabrina show yet on Netflix?  I finished episode 5 and just need to wrap up the next three.  I’ve just been real busy lately, OK?

4. I weighed myself this morning and the scale literally exploded.  Oh well!

5. Jimmy is great and the dogs are great and the house is great and thanks very much for reading this and getting caught up on my life.  I hope your life is great and you’re enjoying things on your end – and if you want to send me a note about your great life and recommendations for recipes or tv shows or fun weight loss transformation photos, please shoot them over to jvolpi76@gmail.com.

That’s it, y’all!  BYE!

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FUDGE STRIPES & UNPOPULAR OPINION: HAMILTON SUCKS

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This weekend, jimmy and I went to Chicago. The main purpose of the trip was to visit his friend RANDY. I was like “oh. Ok. Well let’s go see the Hamilton while we’re there and we’ll go with RANDY and my v good friend Kathleen who you may remember from this photo:

We make gingerbread houses together and make up Hallmark Christmas movie ideas. This weekend we on-the-spot made up the plot of Snowball Snuggles, which is that one unimportant girl from Big Bang Theory, who is a single mom, and she takes her kids to Holly Junction, Montana for a white Christmas (her husband died like 2 years ago). She’s staying at a charm-balls lodge that is struggling to make ends meet, but helps out with the annual SNOW BALL which is a Christmas party obviously. She falls in love with a Christmas tree lumberjack played by the hunk from smallville. Anyway. They save the lodge and you get the rest….

BUT back to Hamilton. It sucked so hard.

If you’ve been under a fucking boulder for the last three years, you’ve missed three years of people losing their damn minds over this shit. It is literally three long ass hours of people rapping about history in a hot as fuck theater. Remember when Theo and Cockroach rapped about Julius Caesar on the Cosby show? It’s that, but so hot and so boring. Consider that ticket money flushed down a giant toilet.

Also this weekend, we took a boat tour and had some lovely meals including breakfast w BECKY DEDO, who you may remember from this photo:

And then that’s really it, y’all.

About those fudge stripes, I got the recipe from the Brave Tarts book and it is legitimately one of the best cookbooks I’ve ever read. These shits were so easy to make. I medium overbaked the cookie bits and didn’t temper my chocolate right, but if you close your eyes, you’ll think a dang Keebler elf made these fuckers. Will def make these shits again. I made these on Friday morning before we left and I can’t wait to get home so I can cram these shits into my mouth and take a nap.

BYE FOREVER!

Some Oatmeal Bars – and a quicko recap of our trip to MICHIGAN

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Hey team – it’s been a while since I’ve updated this dang blog!  Like over two weeks????  Sheesh!

SIDEBAR – did you know that Sheesh is actually the name of some Indian food?   I ordered it once when I was in Kansas City.  SHEESH!

OK – One of the reasons for the radio silence here is that two weekends ago, Jimmy, Jugdish, Enid and I went to Traverse City, Michigan to do the Paddles & Pints!  It’s this thing where you strap into a kayak and paddle through the bay and the canal to all these craft breweries.   A few things:

  1. We stayed in an AirBNB with a triangle window.  I mean – can you even believe?
  2. It was the Traverse City Film Festival that weekend and we ran into Doug Benson outside one of the hotels and I had a mini meltdown.  He’s this comedian who does movie review podcasts and they’re so funny!  HERE’S THE LINK! – LINK!
  3. The drive from Ohio to Traverse City took so long and I was so bored that at one point, I retold the entire story of Working Girl from beginning to end.  Such a good movie.  Remember when they went to the tropical wedding reception???  Liz? Beth? BITZY!!!!

4. Jimmy fell in love with one of the Paddles & Pints guides named Anthony who was maybe 22, had a mustache and was mos-def straight.  At one point, Jimmy offers to show Anthony his skateboard moves as a way to show his youthfulness and virility.  If only someone had a skateboard….  PS – this is how Jimmy looked (after several beers)

5.  Y’all – Traverse City is so cute and I just dang loved it!  And I’m really into kayaking now!  I’m so good at it!  THE BEST, really!

6.  When we got back, we went to the Danny O’Connor Election Night Party and had FREE PIZZA and stayed until about 10pm and then left.  As of right now, it’s still basically a tie with some ballots that need to be counted and I’m just really excited to see if bro-bro wins!  (Also – I’m excited for more free pizza election night parties – what a fun night!)

Is anyone still reading this bullplop?  Do you want to know about these Oatmeal Bars?  You know, this was really just an excuse to write this dumb blog about our Michigan vacation….  The recipe stunk.  Check back in a few days for a much better recipe situation!  I promise, it’ll be much better than this shit.

This was me in the car ride home from Michigan! WHAT A HUNK! 😍😍😍

Ohio / Buckeye Iced Cream Sandwiches

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Hey!

So many things are happening here that are real things!  Here’s a list!

  1. Cameron and I went to see hunky Henry Cavill and 56-year old bag of bones Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible last weekend.  It was the absolute dumbest.  Honestly – the only redeeming thing about it was Henry Cavill’s gorgeous face (and nothing else.  Seriously – he doesn’t even take his shirt off!  LAME!) 
  2. While we were waiting for the movie to start, Jeni from Jeni’s ice cream sits down like 4 seats that way 👉🏼👉🏼👉🏼👉🏼. Same aisle, same dumb movie.  I am paralyzed with fear about the whole situation and of course say nothing.  Hi Jeni!  Wasn’t that movie the worst?
  3. Yesterday was my friend Staci’s birthday!  Remember Staci from blog #3???  She and I rode motorized scooters around Columbus to celebrate and it was so fun.  (NOTE – we stopped and had a Jeni’s ice cream!)  Y’all these scooters are so fun and I can’t wait to scoot all over town!
  4. Speaking of scooters, our #2 dog Wrecko likes to scoot on the carpet.  He’s a scooting terrorist.  His new nickname is Scootin’ Putin.  DOES HE NEED HIS ANAL GLANDS SQUEEZED OUT?????  Jimmy thinks he might just have butt allergies.
  5. My friend Robert Mahar is on the new Making It Show with Amy Poehler and Nick Offerman.  Did you see the first episode???  Mahartsandcrafts won the first challenge (that’s my nickname for him.  His nickname for me is Crackerjack, which is real cute!)  Anyway – what about the guy with the black funeral wreath story???  YEESH!!!!!  Mom & Dad – I’m glad you guys aren’t dicks!  ANYWAY – watch this show!  It’s pretty good!!!!
  6. And is anyone else watching the Sharper Objects on HBO???  Amy Adams is a cutter and a boozer and she’s in her hometown reporting on some murders where the murderers pulls the teeth out of teenage girls.  GRIZZLY, RIGHT???  It’s a lot like that other HBO murder show with Matthew McConnaughay (spelling???) but with 100% more Patricia Clarkson acting like an asshole.
  7. Move over egg sandwiches!  The best new breakfast / lunch meal is SMOKED SALMON AND CREAMCHEESE ON A PLAIN BAGEL.  It’s the only thing I’m eating right now.

OK – that was a pretty great list.  Saveur – are you guys reading this shit?  Blog awards are coming up and I’m pulling out my A+ material here….  Remember Scootin’ Putin???  It’s about the same as Northwild Kitchen in terms of literary excellence.  (everyone, please buy the new Northwild Kitchen book.  Nevada Berg is the best.  Hi, Nevada!)

I had the idea for these ice cream sandwiches yesterday when I saw a picture of ice cream sandwiches and had this thought: “wouldn’t it be rad if the cookies were Ohio cookies?”

The iced cream here is the buckeye state ice cream that I made a few months ago.  LINK HERE.  And the cookies are just basic bitch cut-outs.  ANOTHER LINK, Y’ALL!  It took about 3.5 hours to make the cookies AND the iced cream.  Not too shabby!

NOTE 1 – when you do the cookies, cut out some of your Ohios (or whatever) the normal right way.  Then cut the same amount and flip them around to be the opposite way for baking.  This way – you get a sandwich with a top and a bottom that are both like normal.  DOES THIS MAKE SENSE????

NOTE 2 – When the iced cream was ready, I spread it in a brownie tray lined with plastic cling and froze that shit over night.  Then, this morning, I popped out of bed at 6am and used my same Ohio cookie cutter to cut out ice cream Ohios.  I did my sandwiches and then rewrapped the sandos in more cling for another freeze.  That’s how you make professional looking sandos, y’all!

Ugh – that’s all I have today.

Honey Florentines!

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Friday night, Rita and her huz The Skipper and I went to this weirdo farm up north to learn about bees! It was rad! There was a beautiful beekeeper named DAVE who was a real hippie type and he gave us a full bee education! Like bees aren’t animals – THE COLONY IS THE ANIMAL! Wut???? That’s a science fact, y’all!

He also said that todays American style honeybees aren’t even true Americans. They’re immigrants maybe from Africa! Back a long ass time ago, American settlers were like “we need honey over here. Let’s put some bees on a boat and ship those guys over so we can get HONEY!” And that’s when I came up with my next big movie idea called BEES ON A BOAT!!!! It’s going to star Leo DiCaps as a bee who fell asleep in his hive and whoops / now he’s on a boat to America. Kate Winslet is the queen and she’s like “paint me like your French whores”. Then they bone and his bee penis snaps off in her bee vagina (which is science) and that’s the end of the movie….

We all got to put on beekeeper hats and pull honeycombs out of the hives and for our bravery we all got eyepatches!?

ATTRACTIVE!

Then we took the combs into the hot as balls greenhouse to collect the honey!

Did y’all know that honey comes out of the bee mouth and wax comes out the pooper!??? I learned so so so much! At the end, everyone got their own mini bottle to take home which is why I was like “hey y’all! I’m gonna use this in a bake.”

So I found a recipe in the Martha Stewart book for something called Honey Florentines which I’ve never heard of before but they’re like a brandy snap – real thin, v much like is a werthers original and a communion wafer had a baby – that’s what these shits are like. I mean they’re more like a weird candy than a cookie, because they’re so sweet…. but what the fuck do I know????

Also this dang recipe wins the award for fewest and least amount of ingredients. Check this mammajam out:

3 tbsp honey

4 tbsp brown sugar

4 tbsp butter

4 tbsp flour

2 pinches, salt

Melt your honey, butter and brown sugs together until melted and then mix with the flour and salt. THEN! Use a dang 1/2 tsp to blop our mini blops on a parchy paper cookie sheet. These shits will spread so maybe only 6 blops per tray. MAYBE 8! Then bake these shits at 375 for about 5.5/6 min.

Then cool the trays on a wire rack and decorate with a melted choco and maybe some crunched nuts or whatever. I feel like these are not the kinds of cookies anyone would ever make in their right mind because they’re kind of stupid. But if you just want to celebrate your first honey harvest and impress Beekeeper Dave, give these shits a try.

I HAVE A HEADACHE AND I’M GOING TO TAKE A NAP NOW! BYEEEEEE!

Failed Babka & Mega-Millions!

Hi team!!!!

I was having a chat last week with MOLLY YEH, who is a famous tv star now. She was talking about choco babka fries and I was like pimiento/meat swirl babka and then she was all “I invented pimiento babka and it’s in THE BOOK”. Oh and she even did a dang video about it….

VIDEO LINK RIGHT HERE!!!

But – she didn’t invent MEAT SWIRL!

NOTE: MEAT SWIRL is definitely not kosher, which is probably why she didn’t invent it. NOT KOSHER! Sorry, y’all!

Anyway, it’s her recipe with a layer of prosciutto on the bottom under the mayonnaise.

Follow the rest of Molly’s instructions for the rest…. BUT – this is important – you either need a jumbo baking tin or you need to trim up about 1/8 of the dough before using a standard tin because you will definitely have DOUGHVERLOAD.

This was an in-the-oven pic here….. I saw this and panicked. You’re supposed to leave this in the oven for 35 min and check for doneness. But I took my mess out at 25 minutes and it was RAW AS FUCK inside.

I’m gonna try again so watch this space for an update. But yo. It the cooked bits were SO INSANELY GOOD!

All of this is just a set up for what I REALLY wanna talk about.

Y’all. I bought my first Mega Millions ticket tonight and the jackpot is $522M.

FIVE TWO TWO MILLION.

and I’ve got a real good feeling that I’m gonna win this bitch! So here’s how I’m gonna spend it:

1. I am gonna buy this car! MSRP is like $150k. 😤

2. I’m gonna go to dang MOROCCO and then PARIS. And I’m gonna taking cooking classes in Paris and I’m just gonna drink all the wine and hang out. That’s like 5 months.

3. And then I’m gonna go to dang MEXICO and then ITALY! And maybe MYKONOS so I can stay at that hotel with the pool in the balcony. That’s maybe another 5 months.

4. and then! Im gonna go to dumb Los Angeles for a month so I can sell BEEF COVEN to television executives! REMEMBER BEEF COVEN??? Maybe this is two months. That’s a full year! Just a full year of traveling!

5. How much money do I have left over? Is there enough for me to open up a bakery that’s open just when I feel like it? And to get my dang mom a ranch house so she doesn’t have to TAKE THE STAIRS TO DO HER DANG LAUNDRY???? And then I wanna stay in the princess suite at Didneyworlds with my idiot friend CLARENCE. A FULL WEEK.

6. Jimmy gets $50 and a nice lunch. He doesn’t like Didneyworld.

Anyway. I feel pretty confident that I’m gonna win because I’m due for a big win in my life. If I don’t, it’s fine – I’m going to Didney with Clarence and Enid and Jugdish in October. It’s gonna be fresh.

This is Clarence throwing me through her window a few years ago. I LOVE YOU, CLARENCE.

COOKBOOK REVIEW: Zac Posen’s Fucking Awful Cookbook

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Last Christmas, my friend Cameron gave me the Zac Posen cookbook as a joke. We watch the project runway religiously together and we share a mutual disgust of Zac Posen. He comes off as a real smug dandy who thinks he’s just so clever, BUT HE WILL NEVER BE MICHAEL KORS. NEVER!!!!!!!!

Anyway I nearly shit my pants when I found out that fucking Zac Posen wrote a cookbook for some reason. I’d like to share with you now some thoughts about the ridiculousness of the Zac Posen cookbook.

First – so many pictures of Zac Posen in the cookbook in case you want to see what he looks like wearing a variety of dumb hats.

Here’s one of him looking at some dirt

Powerful….

and here’s one of him next to a croque en bouche, which I guarantee he did not make.

And here he is in a boat holding a white circle and his neck is like “I give up… BYE FOREVER”.

The reason these pictures make me so angry is because there are so many recipes in the book that don’t get photos at all. I would’ve really liked to see a picture of the Pfefferneuse cookies but I get like 15 pictures of Zac Posen’s dumb face. I KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE ALREADY!

Here’s one of the recipes that did get a photo…

THESE ASPARAGUSES LOOK LIKE DONGS!!!!!!!

DONGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There’s no doubt in my mind that Zac maybe helped with like six of these recipes and all of the others were created by his helper Rachel. I’m sure he had to review and approve them all to make sure they met his snooty high standards. I just don’t trust this dude. One of my cookbook recipes is definitely going to be called Handful of Reece’s Pieces.

Anyway, I found a recipe that actually sounded interesting and I gave it a go…. it was his walnut and butterscotch cookies. (Another recipe without a photo…)

But here’s the deal. I didn’t have enough flour for a full batch so I had to wing it a little on the half batch measurements. And I didn’t have walnuts so I subbed in toasted sesame seeds for kind of a benne wafer deal. NOTE – in South Carolina, benne wafers are just sesame seed cookies and it’s kind of a big deal there. Anyway, I modified Zac Posen’s recipe kind of more than i expected but fuck it. My benne wafers are delicious and here’s your dumb recipe.

1 cup (give or take) sesame seeds – toast them in a 350 degree oven for about 4-5 min. Maybe less. Definitely not longer.

1/2 stick butter

1 cup, brown sugar

1 egg

Just under 2/3 cup flour

~1/4 tsp sat

~2/3 tsp baking powder

Mix all this shit together and roll the dough into a log and then freeze said log for about 2 hours. Slice thin slices and bake those fuckers for about 6 minutes.

Note 1 – these shits will spread so space them out on your tray

Note 2 – my oven is real real powerful and can’t be trusted with cook times anymore. Just eyeball your shits to see when they turn golden brown.

Note 3 – the dough will be delicious but do not eat raw dough. You will have so many farts the next day.

Note 4 – with all my fix-ups to this recipe, you know what that means…..

Zac – this is how you take a cookbook photo…..