#66: Red-Velvet Costanzas & Festivus Poles

Hi team!!!


I was at an Old Navy about three weeks ago looking for some new gloves.  It was a Sunday evening and I thought for sure it would be quiet there and I could zip in/zip out.  I found some gloves and then headed to check out.  Even though there are EIGHT cash registers and what looked to be 100 Old Navy workers milling about, there were only THREE cashiers – two of whom were complete renobs.  (Renob is boner backwards!)  I was waiting SO LONG to buy $12 gloves!  At one point, a fourth Old Navy worker popped up and just stood behind the counter!  She didn’t do anything!  Just stood there!  Was I so angry that my eyes fell out of my dang head?  YOU BETCHA!

Granted it was a slightly different retail experience that led Frank Costanza to give (metaphorical) birth to Festivus, but I can easily see how general fed-up-ness could get him there.  I sure do like Christmas a lot, but am pretty over the retail bullhonk that accompanies it.  Also – I think I would very much like a safe forum to air grievances.  I’ve got a lot of problems with you people!  Anyway – there’s so much attention to Christmas cookies, that I thought I would make these supes-cute Festivus things.

First things first – here’s the Festivus recap:


OK!  Here are the dang recipes!

RED VELVET COOKIES  (because George once said that he wants to be ensconced in velvet.  remember???)

1 sticka soft as shit butter

1 cup gran sugar

1 egg

2 tbsp cocoa powder (not cacao! cocoa!)

1-1/2 flour

1 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp baking powder

1/4 tsp salt

As much red food coloring as it takes to get red cookie dough, champ!

Just mix all this shit together and plop balls on your trays.  NOTE!!!!  These balls will spread so smallish balls, ok???  Bake these fuckers for like 13 min at 350.  NOTE #2 – these cookies will be so moist and wonderful for like the first day and then they will be real hard and not so great the next day.  If you pack ’em up, put some bread in your pack to help with moistness.  Otherwise, don’t come around here with your dry-ass cookie complaints.

Red Velvet junk pretty much requires cream cheese frostings, right?  I’m not a huge fan of cream cheese frosting, but I feel like I have to do it here…. So THIS IS HOW WE DO IT!


8 oz cream cheese – that’s like a full box of cream cheese

1 sticka butter

4 cups of powdered sugar

Vanilla splashes

The tiniest pinch of salt that can be pinched

Mix all of this junk and then bloop it on all your red jazz.  (Put picture of red jazz licence plate here…)

ONE MORE RECIPE?????  OK – here’s how to make FESTIVUS POLES!

Take whatever powdered sugar you still have in the cupboard and mix that with some hot water or milk until it’s kind of drippy, but also thick enough to stick to some pretzel rods. This is now basically a thick glaze.  Color your thick glaze gray, because Festivus poles are supposed to be aluminum. (duh)  If you want to be extra (as the kids say), jazz up your poles with disco sprinkles.  I find that a jarful of Festivus poles is pretty great, but sometimes for double-extra, I like to just stick them into some jazzed up cupcakes.  Right???  More celebratory, don’t you think????

Happy Festivus!  Yamma Hamma!




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